Almost to the end...

Well my second to last treatment was yesterday and they can't end soon enough.  They seem to get longer every week and since the side effects compound as I go I sleep a lot more when I get home too.  We got home around 4.  It was pretty funny, I fell asleep for what felt like forever.  When I woke up I was still in my clothes and it was dark outside.  I looked at the clock and saw that it as 7:56 I panicked, Peter was not there so I thought he had left for work, the kids were in the loft in PJ's watching TV. I started yelling, telling Davis his class had already started and what was he doing.  He calmly walked over to me and gave me a hug and said it was 8pm, not 8am.  I had only slept for 4 hours.  We both laughed and I went back to bed.

I have started to get bloody noses almost everyday.  The longest one has lasted 45 minutes and would not stop. I'm not talking a little drip,  I'm talking a gushing mess!  It is pretty gross and I think I am personally keeping Kleenex in business.  I go through at least a box and a half a day.  The doctor said that Chemo could cause them so we are going to wait until after my last treatment before going to the ENT doctors.  I just hope it is not from anything else since I have had a runny nose for the last 5 months.  I now sleep with a humidifier every night and stuff my nose with Carmex at least 3 times a day.

I went to Lori's service on Saturday and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life but I am so glad that I went.  It was such a beautiful celebration, although I personally had a lot of tears.  So much of here life and mine were alike and it was a bit like looking in the mirror.  It made me think more and more how lucky and I am. and how it is a bit like winning the lottery of life. Their is no rhyme or reason to any of it, it truly is luck of the draw.  I have so much anxiety over the next part of this journey.  As most of you know, I am a bit of a control freak and a planner and with this type of cancer there really is no plan.  There are no meds to take and they don't like to do a lot of scans because of all the radiation.  So I have one scan to check the issue with my liver and then... thats it.  I assume I will have a scan on an annual basis, but no mammograms because there really isn't anything there to check.  I am really having a tough time with this because Lori had a clean bill of health to and then the other foot dropped and here world was turned upside down again!  I find myself crying at least 3 times a day and it always hits at the most randoms times, so don't be shocked if I burst into tears in mid-sentence.  My anxiety level is through the roof these days!!!

My next/last appointment is going to be filled with questions, much like they were in the beginning.  I have developed a new pain above where my tumor was and I don't know if it's due to the anxiety, fear or is for real.  I also am going to talk to her about my plan and hope to help myself feel more confidant about it.  I am really looking forward to the treatments being over, but part of me is just uneasy about it. How will my life change not taking 20+ pills a day, not speeding 8+ hours at the hospital every week.  I wonder when my hair will really start to grow back in and when I will feeling like working out again because I really miss it.  I think I will start hiking again too.  I just signed up for the Avon Breast cancer walk, my mom and I did it way back in 1998 and we had such a great time but this time will have a little bit of a different meaning.


Thanks for listing and love to you all!!!!

Comfort and Fear

This past week has been a roller coster of emotion for me.  It started of on such an amazing high.  Kind of a long story but here goes....  When my kids were little I dressed them in a ton of hawaiian print clothes and I saved almost everything.  I swore I was going to buy a sewing machine, learn to sew and make a quilt out of all of it, some day!  Needless to say I still have not learned to sew let alone buy a sewing machine.  Fast forward 6 years, in an off chance I reached out to a friend at church to see if she could "help" me bring this project to life.
She said she would and was going to do some research and get back to me.  Well life goes on and she and her family moved to Utah and I really didn't think much of it.  Then I got cancer and another friend from church really wanted to do something for me so in talking with my friend in Utah they decided that the quilt had to happen.  Within only a few months and with the help from others, some of which I knew and some who I have never met I was handed the most beautiful quilt filled with all the memories of my kids growing up.
I could have added hundreds of pictures of my kids wearing all the clothes that are in the quilt but had to stop and I tried to not overwhelm you all.  Just the sight of the quilt brings tears to my eyes almost every time!  I don't know how I can ever thank everyone who was involved but a HUGE thank you to Dominique, Lori, Christina and the kind woman in Utah with the long arm, I have no idea what that is but the quilt is AMAZING!!!

The other emotion I have felt very strongly this week has been fear, something I never thought I would feel with only 2 treatments left.  I have fear of what is next, with triple negative breast cancer there is no medicine to take after chemo.  Fear of the unknown, with Lori's passing last week it makes everything so real and it brings up so many questions as to why her and not me.  I have so much fear of what is next for me.  I have one scan to do after I finish treatment but I am more worried about the next 3-5 years not 3-5 months.  I know by doing the double mastectomy and being very aggressive with my chemo treatments it gives me the best shot at beating this.  The biggest deal was that it was not in my lymph nodes yet and I understand the importance of that fact more and more everyday.  I can only hope that this fear is replaced by happiness and joy in this next part of my journey.

That brings me to hope, I hope I can help someone else who is yet to take this journey and I hope that the next steps in my journey and reconstruction go a smoothly as possible.  I hope my hair starts to grow back and quickly, I hope that Lori's family finds peace and knows how many people Lori touched in her life.  I just have hope and in the end that and faith is what will get us through.

Love to you all!

Guilt

Guilt is a funny thing....  I find myself with a lot of guilt these days.  Not all guilt is bad but I think most of the time it is.  I have guilt over my time, how often I say no to things,  all of the things that I should be doing but I'm not or can't.  I have guilt that I can't do as much with my kids or for my husband.  I have guilt that my journey seems to be going so well. I have guilt that I eat chocolate all the time.  I have guilt that I am on my way to being a survivor.  I have guilt that I nap almost everyday and that I snap at my kids when they wake me up because they "didn't know I was sleeping", really me laying on the couch with my eyes closed wasn't a giveaway?  So much guilt is not good for a person and I really need to get over it!

Lets start with good guilt.... chocolate.  I think it is the texture and smoothness of it that I like even though I can't taste it.  I like it with almonds so the little hershey nuggets with almonds are my favorite right now.  Naps, thats a good guilt too.  I have never been a napper but I find myself napping almost every day, it still surprises me that I can nap for 2 hours and then still sleep at night so well, Ambien helps as well.  Even though I only have 4 treatments left each one is a mountain I still have to climb.  I still am getting new side effects after all of this time and it is not a fun one.  The Taxol I am on is causing severe dryness in my nose, it feels like my nose is burning and swollen all the time. I am using a moisture spray but it really does not deal with the pain.

The worst type of quilt is survivor guilt.  Even though I am not out of the woods and still have 4 treatments to go and a few scans to get through, I feel like I am well on my way to calling myself a survivor.  But then the guilt begins to creep in.  I find myself asking for the first time, why me.  Why was I so lucky and why did I find it so early?  Why was it not in my nymph nodes and why has it not spread yet?  I try to remember that God has a plan and this is all part of it for me and I need to listen to that still small voice inside of me and push forward with a strong will and positive outlook.  I need to remember all the people who I have meet along this journey who are no longer with me each week at chemo and fight for them and keep the ones who continue to fight still it my prayers everyday!!!!  I need to remember God's plan and not ask questions and just focus on what needs to get done.  That all sounds so good until reality sets in and I am smacked square in the face with someone who is struggling and I begin to cry.  Cry for the hurt they feel, the pain in their hearts but most of all the looming sense of loss.  I don't even have to see them really just the people I know it is effecting.  I don't have words at all, which is shocking in itself.

I love you Cindee and Lori and I know you  and your family will find many blessings in your journey.  Please know I pray for you and your families daily for serenity, love but most of all peace!   Love to you all!

Just when you think...

Just when I think that I am over it, I am comfortable with no hair that I am getting used to not working out, never having energy, always feeling sick it seems to just get kicked up a notch.  I had what I thought was a good day yesterday only to be reminded today that I can't do it all and I am so tired, feel so sick and am so sore.  I don't sleep at night or at least it is a very broken sleep and when I wake up I never feel quite rested.  I went to get my blood draw today and my white blood count has been slowly going down each week but this week I fear it may be too low again.  I have that feeling of dizziness and feeling so tired that I am scared that I won't be able to do chemo tomorrow and I really don't want to be delayed again.

I know I only have 5 weeks left but this is when the doctor said that the symptoms would start compounding and I would start feeling them more.  Each week the side effects just stack on top of each other and I feel it more and more so each week is a little more up hill.  I just have to try and rest as much as I can but I am really getting sick of resting and I'm beginning to feel like I will never be myself again.  I just so badly want normal again, not only for me but for my family.  I have gotten in a groove for chemo, downloaded my movies for tomorrow, done my shopping for snacks and have my ride all set up but it still does not make easy to go to.

I got some bad news yesterday and wanted to give a shout out to my dear friend Cindee who is dealing with the effects of this horrible battle with her sister Lori.  I know it is a very personal battle and don't want to speak out of turn.  I only want to put good positive energy out there for her and let her know I am thinking and praying for her that she is at peace.  I love you Cindee and Lori and I pray for you daily!  I only wish there was something more I could do for you both.  I have to think that I can honor you by fighting hard and keeping you in my prayers.

I had a great weekend with family and was able to get out and do some shopping and spend some time out and about, but I am paying for it today.  It really was a nice day with my great sister-in-laws and an amazing Aunt.  It reminds me how lucky I am to have such a great relationship with them all and how much of a support system I have around me.  Here is to a better week and keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to do my treatment tomorrow.  I have to keep a positive outlook that the next 5 weeks will be okay and that I will push through with flying colors.

What I know

As I sit and reflect on the past year, I find myself focusing mostly on the last half of the year, actually I find myself waiting for the ball to drop on TV snuggled in with the 4 most important people in the world!  I think of all the emotions I have had, all the pain I felt but most of all, all the love that I continue to feel.  I find myself swimming in a pool of gratitude.  I am so thankful for the amazing husband I have who has stuck by me through this whole journey, who has held me up and held me tight.  I am thankful for my 3 kids who are the strongest most loving and supportive kids a mom could ever ask for and still wear pink every Monday while I am at chemo.  I am thankful for my family who has rallied around me and stepped up to the plate in so many ways.  I am thankful for the most amazing circle of friends who have been there for me from the beginning to listen to me, cry with me, laugh with me but most of all just be there for me.  I am so thankful for my church family most of whom I never saw and they all came to help with whatever I needed and some things I didn't even know I needed.  I am so grateful that I was the one that God decided to carry this burden for my family.  Knowing the type of support I would have and with the many trials already under my belt, like the 4 years of infertility, my many weight loss journeys (praying this is the one that finally sticks at down 113 lbs.) or the hardest one of all, leaving the hospital without my new baby twins and not being able to take them home for over 6 weeks.  All of that has given me the strength to get through yet another trial.  I am so grateful to be able to teach my children how important empathy and it is something they will carry though out their lives and hopefully call on often when dealing with people who may cross their paths.

I also find myself feeling happiness and relief.  Happiness that I only have 5 treatments left and I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Relief that it is almost over and I can start to look to the reconstruction phase that I hope to start in March or April.  I also have the feeling of forgiveness in my heart.  Forgiveness for some who may have been struggling with this journey in their own way.  Some who I know love me very much but this has proven to be too difficult for them or that they have been and continue to battle their own journeys.  I can't control what happens to me only how I react to it and I choose to be positive and only deal with what I can control, as much of this that is not in my control I just have to let go of it.

Looking forward into 2014 I see a world of possibility, I see endless opportunity and I can't wait to hit it head on!  I see things a little different and know first hand how it all can be stripped away in the blink of an eye or rub of a breast.  I know this blog has reached more that I ever thought it would and I ask you if haven't or don't think it could happen to you please get checked and check every month on your own.  I did and I truly feel that it saved my life.  I don't know what would have been different if I would have not checked while we were on vacation in July or if I would have waited to see my doctor.  As scary as that time was it all had to happen and I had to do it for all of the reasons I am so grateful for today.



I truly hope 2014 is a much better year and that a year from now I will be back on my way to the old me but a little wiser, more hair, bigger boobs and definitely a new outlook on my amazing life that I got a second chance to realize how amazing it truly is!  I hope 2014 brings you everything you hope it does and that all of those resolutions are achieved but most of all I just hope you are all BRAVE!!!

Goodbye 2013 you won't be missed or forgotten but 2014 watch out because I am on the mend and have lots of plans for you!!!!