No Chemo today.

I went in for my blood draw yesterday and found out my white count was up but only to 2.5.  That was good but when I went in for my chemo appointment today the doctor would not let me do my treatment because it was below 3.  I was so mad!!!!  I don't want to postpone this process at all.  I was planning on asking to change my chemo day to Monday with the change in meds only because Christmas day and New Years day fall on Wednesdays and I wanted to deal with it now rather than juggle days later.  So in the long run it won't push out the treatments at all because I will be on track once my new "cocktail" starts.  The longer out from treatment the better I feel and side effects begin to lessen.  I didn't sleep well last night, never do the day before I go in, and now I just feel like all the stress is pushed out.  I have to go back in on Sunday to see where my white count is just to make sure that Monday is a go.  

This time last week I was having the feelings again of wanting to quit, throw in the towel and just stop. I hate how so much of this is out of my control and how truly crappy I feel.  I feel a little bit better this week having a new focus in my nutrition and really taking control of something with all the the juicing and supplements and being hopeful that it is making a difference.  I am really trying to focus on the positive and know that all will be okay and focus on what I can control.  Peter and I try to take Cooper out for a walk every night and it is really good for me to get out and get some exercise.  More than that it is just a really good opportunity for Peter and I to talk and just have time for us and it is my favorite part of the day.  

Looking on the positive side, with not having treatment today that means that I will feel good for Halloween and the weekend full of games.  I have to put things out there to look forward to, things that are fun and take my mind off of what I am having to deal with.  I have been enjoying Downton Abby (thanks Gina) and just started season 2.  We are carving our pumpkins tonight and the twins don't have school tomorrow or Friday so maybe we can do something fun.  I hope you all have a great Halloween, I will keep you posted on the white blood cell count and as always thanks so much for all the love and support!

Some days I wonder....

Some days I wonder what else could be coming.  Over the past few days my feet have been hurting, like when you get a pedicure and they work the calluses just a little bit too much.  Yesterday it got to the point where walking was very painful.  After doing some research we found out that one of the meds in my cocktail causes something called hand/foot syndrome.  Sometimes I think I am making this stuff up and then Peter does some research and it turns out it is another side effect. It's not in my head and it is a real thing.  It is just another reminder that chemo really is poison and it is so hard on your body.

I have to take a handful of pills for the first 4 days after treatment and then I take additional vitamins. I also started taking some additional supplements to help with my white blood count.  Some days I take over 25 pills and it can get a little crazy how long it takes me to take them.  Have I mentioned I HATE taking pills and I am terrible at remembering to take them.  I have them beautifully displayed on my counter just so I don't forget.  I am hopeful that the new supplements will help the white blood cell count.  I go in on Tuesday for another blood draw and will get the results on Wednesday.  I have been feeling better the past few days and have not had a blackout since my visit to the ER.  My temperature also seems to have come back in line as well and I have not had any spikes which is a good thing.

I had the opportunity to go to church today, the doctor really does not like me to be indoors with a lot of people so she would rather I didn't go especially with my white count so low.  My oldest was speaking in Sacrament and I didn't want to miss it.  He had worked on his talk all week and thanks to a great friend, he was ready to go.  I was so proud of him and loved what he had written.  It was so nice to see all the familiar faces and thank them in person for all of prayers, love and support.  I continue to be overwhelmed with all of the love and support from so many.

I have treatment in 3 days, it is my LAST Kool-Aid cocktail and I couldn't be happier about it but on the other hand I am a little scared too.  With this last treatment my cocktail will change to every week and the meds change as well.  I can only hope that the new cocktail, that will start the second week of November, is not as toxic and my side effects are not as bad.  Thanks again for all the love and support!

And the hits just keep on coming!

I knew I was having bad days and I didn't know why.  I had a bit of a fever on Tuesday night but took Tylenol and it seemed to break it.  When I got up yesterday and stood for the first time everything went black and I had to sit down right away.  As the morning went on it was much of the same every time I would walk more than a few steps I would get very dizzy and light headed.  I called the doctor and talked to her and she said to go to the ER.  I spent 6 hours in the ER on meds and fluids and they took a ton of blood to run tests.  I learned more about white blood cells than I thought I ever would.  Normal white blood cell counts are 5-10, when they tested mine I was at 1.  This was good and bad, bad because it is so low but good that it didn't get down to 0.5, at that level they automatically admit you to the hospital.  Since my count was 1 I had a choice of either staying in the hospital and being monitored there or going home taking meds and resting.  Going home was my only option!  The least amount of time in the hospital the better for me!

I have heard that when you are taking chemo treatments its not if its when will you spend time in the hospital and I'm really trying for that not to happen.  People go into the hospital and get stuck there for weeks and I don't want that to happen to me!  Peter has been doing research on what helps to build white blood cells, in addition to the meds I am taking I need to start changing my diet and taking supplements that can help that process.  With that and rest I am hopeful when I go back for blood work next week my count has gone up.  It has been a gradual decline throughout my treatment, my first test was 3.8 then 3 now 1.  I can only hope that it goes up because I can't afford for it go much lower.

I am starting to hate the walls of my house but really don't want to go out much at all.  Every time I walk outside my energy seems to drop and I get so tired.  That and it takes so much energy to "get ready" to go out.  Even though without hair it has cut down my primp time I still get so tired.  I have been trying to sit outside during the day to get some fresh air and see the sun.  I am glad that the weather is a bit cooler so my beans don't look so out of place.  They even say it may rain next week which would be such a nice change.

I really worry about putting stress on my kids sometimes so I try not to talk about when I have to go to the doctor unexpectedly.  Yesterday I had an appointment for a dressing change so it was normal that I was not home when they got home from school but we didn't get home until after 5 so that was a little strange.  I don't want them to worry about me more than they already are and me having to go to the ER I think they stress out about it, especially my oldest.  They are all so good about taking care of me and making sure I have everything I need and letting me rest when I need to.  I just want them to be able to be kids and not have this hanging over their heads.

Here's to today being a better day and my white blood cells making a jump!   Love to you all and thank you so much for all the love and support!

Bad days...

Today is a horrible day!  I have been feeling pretty crumby the past couple of days and today I just feel like crap!  I thought it was just because I was trying to do to too much so today I decided to just lay low.  I actually canceled all of my visitors I was suppose to have today so I could rest.  I have been on the couch all day sleeping on and off.  My head has been killing me and my temperature has been a little on the high side at 99.3.  I am suppose to go to the ER if my temp gets above 100.4.  I have only taken Tylenol today to help with the headache but it has not done much for me.  I don't have much of an appetite and smells are starting to bother me as well.  I am just trying to drink as much water as I can but the taste is so bad it makes it very hard.

I just feel like all I want to do is sleep but then I think that makes me feel worse because I'm not doing anything.  As some of you know I am a BIG couponer and I really wanted to get my list together so Johnna could go shopping for me tomorrow.  She is still coming up one a week to help me with whatever I need and is always a huge help!!!  I know she laughs at me but my goal to always save at least 65% or more on each shopping trip, the most I have saved was 76%.  I am hopeful that I get some kind of second wind and can pull it together before she gets here.

I hate days like this, when I feel so sick and out of it.  I feel like I have cancer and I can't do a damn thing about it!  My body is hurting, my mouth is so sore, my head is pounding and all that seems to help is sleep.  I hate to whine like this and I feel like such a loser, I hate complaining because I know that things could be so much worse.  I know there are people fighting harder than I am and they have a much tougher road to hoe.  Makes me feel guilty even talking about it really, I just need to suck it up!  If I don't feel better tomorrow I'm going to have to call the doctor to figure out if this is normal.  She said that the first treatment should be a good indication of how the rest of my treatments should go but I feel so much worse than I did the first time around and I don't know if that is normal.

I hate to be so negative but it is what it is and I have to deal with the bad days as much as I get to deal with the good days.  I hate bad days!  I just hope there are not many more of them!

Nausea..

Nausea, its a funny thing, well not really but when you think about it, it is just strange.  When I first found out I had breast cancer I threw up.  I think it was a combination of fear, shock and complete disbelief.  I didn't know what to do or feel and that was the first thing that came to me.  Now I fight everyday not to throw up.  I take my meds and drink as much water as I can but it still creeps in.  I don't think there is a more unpleasant felling then knowing it is coming or actually doing it.  I really hope with my next cocktail this feeling goes away.  The worst days are day 5-7 after my treatment.  Tea seems to help a lot and thanks to my friends and family I have enough tea for the long hall and a collection of my favorite mugs to transport me during the day to a far off place.  It is kind of ironic that I can't taste anything but yet still get nausea, wouldn't you think it would be something you ate that would give you an upset stomach?

I still think I can do anything and can keep my normal activities but quickly find out that is not the case.  We had 2 soccer games and 2 football games yesterday and then went to the Kings game with some good friends (thanks Millers!).  I ended up taking 2 naps between all the games and headed out to the Staples Center.  We didn't stay till the end, I just get so tired it is so annoying!  I feel like I am 100.  When I first started going to the oncology department at the hospital it was a little unnerving, okay a lot!  Everyone looked 100 and it felt like a morgue!  Now I know why even the smallest activity is so taxing.  I am so looking forward to the holidays coming up but at the same time it makes me nervous because I don't want anything to be different for the kids or for me.  I so love the fall and Thanksgiving and of course Christmas it is always such a fun time.  I so look forward to all the cooking but something about not being able to taste any of it does not sound like fun at all!

The newest fun nugget of side effects is numbness, my mouth still gets sore at about day 5 and gradually gets worse until day 10 but now my lips are starting to get tingly and numb as well, mostly in the morning.  My finger seems to be getting better although the cut is taking forever to heal the swelling has gone down and the redness is almost gone.  I am getting better with my lack of hair, I have a favorite thin bean that I wear all the time and my head is not as sensitive as it was.  I am even able to go to bed without a bean but have to keep one close because by 4am my head gets pretty cold.  I would like it a bit more if the weather would cooperate a bit because the heat does not go with my outfit!

As always thank you for all the love and support!  I received the most beautiful flower arrangements this week that really brightened my week!  Thanks so much.... thank you notes are on the way, I promise!

Good Room and positivity!!!

It is so funny (and I LOVED IT) how many of you reached out to me to see if I got the "good room"  and I did. But I had to have a bed instead of a chair, but still the good room!!!!  I was lucky enough to have my BFF with me for the whole treatment so we could chat and watch a movie.  It is so nice to have someone there to talk with, it really makes the time go by fast and to feel normal while they pump the poison into me.  I also had the pleasure of sitting next to an AMAZING woman Lori.  She has been through a lot and still has a lot to deal with but is handling it all like a CHAMP and is such an inspiration to anyone who crosses her path especially me!

It made me try to think of all the positives that come along with having breast cancer.  I don't have to wear a bra and for those of you who know me that is something I NEVER did before. I couldn't, it would have been offensive.  Having no hair really cuts down on my time in the morning, I can get up, be showered and out of the house in less than 30 minutes.  I don't have to shave my legs anymore, at least for the next 4 months. It really is nice!  I have to come up with something positive in this whole process otherwise it would make for a long journey, right!

Today was a good day, Thursdays are always good for the most part. Friday is my hardest day next to the day of treatment.  I had a dear friend and college roommate fly in from Texas to visit me and it was great to see her.  We went to lunch and I took her to Lombardi's to get all of the pumpkins for my porch.  I so love the fall, it is my favorite time of the year and I love to decorate. It is the only time of the year you can put decorations up in early October and leave them up for almost 8 weeks.  You really get a lot out of it.  I am still waiting for the cold snap to come and stay.  The beanies have been okay but it has been a little warm and it is a little strange to have shorts, t-shirt, flip flops and a beanie... LOL.

Tomorrow I plan on resting most of the day and just taking it easy.  For some reason most Friday's are really hard, the one right after treatment brings nausea and a lot of fatigue.  The the second Friday is the worst day for my mouth pain.  Last week was so bad I couldn't talk and I am not looking forward to that at all, although some people may be.  This blog really has been so good for me and it's so amazing how many people from all over the world have been reading it.  Thank you for forwarding it on, posting it to your  FB pages and just supporting me.  We have over 6000 hits to the page and it has been viewed in 15 different countries.

Love to you all!!!

Some people are unreal!!!!

I had the most annoying encounter today and I don't think anyone would believe me but my mom was with me and couldn't believe her ears as well.  We were at the grocery store and this guy behind us in line suddenly asked me "what's your PIC line for"  I simply answered "cancer".  He then goes on to ask me a few questions about the meds and I just told him it was for breast cancer and tried to go on about my business.  He then asked if it was in my lymph nodes and I just said "no, we got lucky".  The next thing he said was so unbelievable and unreal it almost took my breath away.  He then said "Oh, it will get there."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!  Who do you think you are?!?!?!?!  I could not believe it.  I almost didn't know what to say, I told him no, I don't think so, I got this.  Then paid and got the hell out of there!!! As I was leaving he said to me "it's beatable though".  I felt like punching him in his face!  It is amazing to me how brazen people can be.  I didn't know him, he didn't know me but felt it was his business to voice his opinion like that!  UGH!!! Such and ASS!!!!

On the other end of the spectrum, I have to say thank you to all of you!!!! Thank you for all the love and support in your comments, emails, text, FB posts and messages.  It is amazing to me, all the kind words and encouragement I have received, so overwhelming!  It truly is unbelievable to me every time I open my computer to see how many people take the time to reach out just to let me know they are there and they are following my blog and have been thinking about me.  THANK YOU!!!


Today was a good day (other than the grocery store incident).  My mom and I were able to get a lot done around the house, okay she did most of the work and I took a nap.  I had a great lunch with great friends and got a chance to catch up after being gone last week and missing my weekly visit.  We were able to plan a fun outing for next summer once all of this is behind me!  It is so nice to plan future events so I have something to look forward to.  I can't wait to not have all of this hanging over me and just can "BE".  I do see a busy evening of baking and eating tonight since Johnna has been shopping for the past hour, I can't wait to see what pumpkin and fall yumminess she comes up with tonight.

Tomorrow will be treatment #3 (13 more to go) and I wonder how it will go, I always feel the best right before treatment.  Tuesday night is always hard because I know what is coming and hate to think about it.  Tomorrow will bring sluggishness, yucky tastes, cold rooms and sleeping.  I think the worst part is the shots I have to take beginning the Friday after treatment everyday for a week.  I think that is what causes my mouth to hurt so much.  Last time around was so bad it got to the point where I couldn't even talk.

Think happy thoughts for tomorrow, love you all and cross your fingers I get the "good room"!