I love the holidays

Today was a great day!!!!  I am beginning to love Saturdays. they are becoming my best day, even better than Tuesdays.  I feel the most normal and not bouncing off the walls, not a lot of nausea or have the gloom of chemo the next day hanging over my head.  Today I was able to go shopping with my girl and just hang out.  We were busy doing last minute things for the holidays and just hanging out… it was great.

I am starting to get tired of the beanie look and feel.  When Avery and I were at lunch today I even took it off and was BALD for the entire lunch.  It is a little freeing and a little un-nerving at the same time.  When I am with the kids and take the bean off I tell the kids to look around and see if anyone is staring at me because I feel like EVERYONE is.  I just get a little tired of always wearing something on my head and I know I will never wear a wig, it's just not me.  It's so funny sometimes when I go out in the real world and see people I know…. they don't know me.  My hair was such a part of "my look" they have no idea who I am.  Peter and I went out to dinner last night and saw a few people and it took them a minute to recognize me.  I totally get it but it is just funny to have to reintroduce yourself sometimes.  It makes me laugh to think of what they would think if I was just out there, bald and beautiful!  As Kyle just said, "mom, you look better than me, and I look pretty good."

So since I didn't post anything after my last treatment I will get you caught up.  I had another reaction, although I am getting much better at recognizing them so it didn't get too far.  They still had to push the hydrocortisone and stop the meds but at least my heart rate and blood pressure stopped shy of through the roof.  It is kind of a mystery as to why I still am having reactions to the chemo. They have slowed it down so much which makes my days so long but I still am having a tough time.  The nausea is still really bad, half of Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are the worst.  I really don't want to take additional meds because they all come with their own set of side effects but I don't know if 7 more weeks of this is something I want to deal with either.

Sleeping has become a bit of a luxury these days.  I seem to take a nap a few days a week for an hour or so but as far as sleeping through the night, I can't remember the last time I did that.  Other than Monday and Tuesday nights I tend to fall asleep around 11 and wake up around 2.  Sometimes I fall asleep again around 3 but by 5:30 I am up for the day.  It is like a little game I play with myself and try and guess what time it is before I look at the clock.

Well I don't know if I will get another post in before Christmas so just in case, I hope you have a very happy holiday with your friends and family!  I want each of you to know how much you mean to me and how thankful I am to have you in my life!  As I have said before I have been and continue to be overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I feel everyday.  I truly feel the prayers and love you have sent my way and I don't know how to thank you enough!  I truly hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

I think I am getting the hang of this...

I seem to be getting the hang of the whole chemo cycle, not that I like it but at least I can prepare better.  Monday is day 1 and I spend at least 8 hours at the doctor getting a dressing change and meeting with the Oncologist, but most of the time is spent sitting in a chair getting pumped with posion watching movies or surfing Pinterest.  Then I am home and "resting" for the rest of the day.  Day 2, Tuesday I fell a bit like a super hero, like I can do anything.  With the meds and the steroids I hurt a bit, but I have so much energy I might as well get stuff done.  Tuesday night I won't sleep at all so it is more Pinterest or try and catch up on my TV shows.  Wednesday is my in-between day, where I feel okay the first half of the day but the last half is not so great.  This is when my nauseousness really starts to set in and the next 3-4 days will be much of the same.  I think my hardest day is Thursday for sure, so I really try to lay low and stay away form everyone. It is my hardest day for my steroids and lets just say I am not the most pleasant person to be around.  Friday is much of a turn around day for me and by Saturday and Sunday I am feeling more human.  With all of that said and Christmas coming I am so happy that Christmas Eve is going to fall on a Tuesday so I can get everything done.  

I have to be honest with you, I am really getting sick of this whole thing.  All the doctors appointments and spending an entire day at the hospital every week.  I can't wait to get my life back!  Just typing that sounds so stupid!  I am so thankful that I was able to catch the cancer so early, and that I was able to jump on the process of beating it.  I don't know why I was not more worried about the outcome.  I had a gut feeling from the beginning, from the day I felt the lump that it was going to be cancer but that I was going to be fine.  It just makes me wonder why I have to go through all of the chemo and waiting for reconstruction. The more I hear about others who have the same cancer as me and they have less than half the number of treatments and were able to start reconstruction right away.  It is such a strange place to be.  On one hand I feel so guilty that I have had such an "easy" time with this process and things have gone so smoothly.  But on the other hand annoyed that my treatment seems to be so much more than others.  All I know is I want it over so I can get back to being …me.

I really am looking forward to Christmas Eve because as most of you know I LOVE to entertain and I have not been able to do much of that.  It will be so nice to have the house filled with family and friends and just to spend time together.  As always thanks for all the love and support!

Steroids...

       Steroids are a funny thing.  The first day I take them I can't sleep at all, it is a strange feeling because I am so tired from the Chemo treatment but at the same time so restless from the steroids.  The next day I still feel like I have so much energy that I can do anything.  The only problem is that the other meds I am taking make my body ache so much that I go back and forth of moments of greatness to feeling like I just want to crawl into bed.  I think I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep last night even with taking and Ambien.  Tonight I hope to get at least 4-5 and then the next few days I will spend a lot of time sleeping so I guess it all evens out in the wash.  I have decided that the best way to deal with it is to just stay as busy as possible and "just keep swimming."  I find that the busier I am the more I get done and just need to push through.  I think this works for me because I know what is coming, the next 3 days are going to suck and I won't be able to get anything done or at least a lot less than I did today.  

       The other great part about steroids is the rage.  It is pretty amazing how things that would normally just roll off my back now make me want to lash out at the drop of a hat.  It is like having an out of body experience and I have no control over what is coming out of my mouth and I wonder who is this person yelling at everyone.  As I found myself lashing out at the clerk today at a store that has a policy of not giving refunds only store credit if you decide you want to return an item you paid cash for 72 hours earlier and you have the original receipt.  Lets just say I won't be shopping at Active anytime soon and I'm pretty sure I have been blacklisted from that store now after my outburst.  The biggest issue I have is that I have such a short fuze with my hubby and kids and I don't like that at all.  It's like I am 10 steps behind my mouth and can't catch what is coming out of my mouth until it is too late. 

       With the holidays coming up I just need to learn to take a deep breath before I react to anything.  For those of you who know me that is much easier said than done because I am such a control freak, but it needs to happen.  Maybe this is a good exercise for me to learn to not be such a freak.  Christmas Eve will be a good test for me as we will have 20+ people this year.  I always host it but this year I am going to have to learn to let go and let others do more for me.  I am so thankful that I have so much help to make the holidays as special as they can be!  The good news is that they are all family and know how much of a control freak I am so they know what they are getting into, I hope ;o)

Half Way!!!

       So today was my 4th treatment of this cocktail and my 8th overall so that means that I am HALFWAY!!!!! I am so glad!  The bonus for today was that I didn't have a major reaction.  It was a very long day though because they slowed down the medicine to make sure I didn't have one.  They also added an additional premed to help with the reaction and still kept the steroid at the double dose as well as the anti reaction med at the max.  It all seemed to do the trick but I was there for over 7 hours.  I am beginning to feel the compound effects of the aches and soreness they talked about so I am moving pretty slow.  I was able to "watch" 2 movies during treatment, I doze a lot, Lana keep a look out for your return package, I hope to get it in the mail tomorrow.  I wanted to watch Love Actually but was not sure about the inappropriate parts when they have the nude scenes so that my have to be an at home movie.

       I am felling okay, I still have my issues with not sleeping and the nausea is pretty much 24/7.  They want to give me more steroids to manage the nausea but I really don't want to take them because the side effects are so horrid!  I will need to get another scan once I am done with Chemo to take a look at the spot that they found on my liver (not sure if I mentioned that already).  When they first did all of my scans before my surgery they saw something on my liver but it was so small that they just wanted to watch it.  I will keep you posted on when that scan is scheduled for.
     
       Well it is official, I am 100% DONE with my Christmas and December Birthday shopping!  I went shopping last night with my mom and sister-in-law and got the last few things I needed.  One of my favorite stores has a big event in December that I like to go to and I got all the last minute things I needed.  It is a ton of fun with food, drinks, dessert, and live bands…. such a fun night!  I was also able to get the Christmas decorations up over the past few days and I feel much better about my progress.  It seems to all be coming together and we will get the lights up on the house tomorrow, I hope if the wind dies down a bit.  I was even able to get all the Christmas cards done and they will be going out tomorrow.  As least with all the cold weather it is feeling more like Christmas and I'm not the only one bundled up in a scarf and bean.

       On treatment days it really gives me a lot of time to think about what I am going through as I sit in the treatment room with all the other baldies. I get to focus on just me and be with all my own thoughts.  I get to talk with my doctor to discuss the next steps and understand what I can do to get through all of this in the best possible way.  As much as I say I have cancer and say that it has or is sinking in I don't know if it really is.  I don't feel sick other then when I am in treatment and all of its side effects.  Sometimes I wonder why I am doing all of this and how I just want to get back to life.  I just need to focus on the next 8 weeks and know there is a huge light at the end of the tunnel.

       As always thank you to all of you for all the love and support!  It is nice to know you are all there!

It's been a while

I know it has been a while since my last post but with the Thanksgiving holiday it has been a little busy.  We traveled to Orange County for family and what else… a baseball tournament.  I had my second treatment of my new cocktail and I had my first major reaction.  My doctor said I am a bit of a medical mystery because this treatment is suppose to be less invasive than the last one but I seem to be having a harder time with this one.  I get nauseas more often, I am not sleeping at all, I get really flush and warm but am freezing at the same time.  I have had a major reaction 2 of the last 3 treatments.  A major reaction works like this, once I get my pre-meds of my steroid, anti-allergy meds and anti-nausea meds they start the "cocktail".  A few minutes into the chemo starting I get really flush, can't breathe, my heart rate and blood pressure go way up and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.  I then have 4-5 nurses all around me stopping the meds, checking my vitals, pushing more anti-alergy meds in my IV and asking me a ton of questions.  It is just strange how I didn't have any reaction the first time I had this chemo but have had issues the last 2.  I still have 9 more of these to go so they are going to try to slow down the pace of the meds as well as increase my pre-meds to hopefully counter the reaction I am having.

The past week was filled with a lot of activity.  I was able to make it to the Justin Timberlake concert with my oldest son (luckily it was on a Tuesday, which is a good day).  It was an amazing show and a great first concert for him but most of all a great mom and son date night.  Then it was off to San Diego for Thanksgiving with family.  It was so nice just to be able to relax with the family and enjoy some great food although I still can't taste anything, it smelled amazing!  After Thanksgiving we spent the rest of the long weekend down at the beach and the weather was so great.  Nothing like 75 degree weather and gorgeous ocean views to make you forget that you have cancer.  We spent the next 2 days at the baseball fields where my son had the great opportunity to play on the same team with his cousin.  They had such a good time and actually won the tournament. 

Today was a good day, as Tuesdays usually are.  I was able to get some of my Christmas decorations out with the help of my mom and brother.  I am still really behind on a lot of things, I still need to take the picture for are Christmas card and then order the cards so just know they are on there way…they may just be a little late this year.  Tomorrow I have a couple of girlfriends coming over to help me get the rest of my decorations up and to wrap the gifts that I have so far.  Right now all I know is my living room and dining room are covered in boxes and I need to get them out!

The next few days are typically my most difficult and I hope to sleep tonight.  The doctor said that sleeping may be tough because they increased my steroids and that is one of the side effects.  I hope to get more than the 3 hours I got last night.

Pros and Cons

Okay so over the past 3+ months I have had a lot of changes some bad and some with a positive spin I have placed on them.  I thought I would make a list so in 20 years from now I can look back at it and have a laugh.

Con: I have no boobs
Pro: I can actually use the front breast pocket of my button down shirts to hold my phone.
Pro: I am saving a ton of money and not needing to buy new bras.
Pro: I get a brand new pair next year.
Pro: All of my shirts fit so nicely now.

Con: I am freezing all the time because I have no hair to cover my neck.
Pro: I get to wear a ton of cute scarves all the time.

Con: I have no hair.
Pro: It only takes me 30 minutes to shower and get ready for the day.

Con: I can't taste anything
Pro: I can taste double bubble for the first 30 seconds and never know when the flavor is out of it which is actually at 45 seconds.

Con: My eyelashes have started to fall out and are coming out quick.
Pro: I don't have any clumps when I put mascara on the few lashes I have left.

Con: My eyebrows are coming out almost as fast as my eyelashes
Pro: I get to draw in my eyebrows in whatever shape I like and don't have to get them waxed.

Con: I am felling more nauseous with this cocktail than the last one.
Pro: I don't eat as much.

Con: I have to take steroids with this new cocktail and can expect to gain 20+ pounds.
Pro: See pro above.

Con: Some days I am so tired and out of it I don't want to get out of bed.
Pro: I don't have to get out of bed!

Con: I have so much Christmas and birthday shopping to do.
Pro: I am becoming a pro at online shopping.

Con: Did I mention I have no boobs
Pro: I get new ones for free, I think I would have rather paid for them.

So you see there are some pros to this whole cancer thing, it all depends on how you look at it.

The same but different.

So I am on day 3 after treatment and it has not been too bad.  Yesterday was a bit tough and I had some pretty severe nausea.  I only got sick once last night but today has just been a constant light state of nausea.  I have been taking my meds more often to help with how I feel but they are not working the best.  I am really hopeful that next week will be different because of Thanksgiving.  Speaking of Thanksgiving just when I thought my taste couldn't get worse, it has.  I still can't taste anything but now when I do eat anything it has a very metallic taste and everything just tastes bad.  I find myself chewing a lot of gum to help with the taste because I even have the bad taste when I am not eating.  I have read that using plastic utensils can help so I have started using those as well.



I am not as tired but not feeling well makes me not want to do anything, so I rest a lot.  As much as I hate knowing that I have to go to treatment every week it is kind of nice to know that every week I am one week closer to being done with all of this.  I have 11 more treatments and I really hope to have it down to a science as far as how I will feel on which days so I can plan as much as possible.  I have been doing a lot of online shopping for the holidays and birthdays we have coming up trying to stay on top of all of it.  I did get a couple of fun packages in the mail this week (thank you Erin, Lana and Aunt Diane) they really put a smile on my face.  I love the new beanies and the movies, which I will be saving for treatment.  The fun beanies that my Aunt made will have to make an appearance in a Christmas picture for sure, they are so fun and the kids love them!



Days like today I just feel blah.  Not really motivated to do anything, I only hope that next Thursday I have more energy.

Good news!!!

       I had my first treatment yesterday of my new meds and so far so good.  The first day after treatment has always been a good day for me and then I seem to hit a wall on day 2-5 so keep your fingers crossed that this new "cocktail" is not as tough as the last.  Treatment went well and I got some GREAT NEWS!!!  I don't have to take my shot any longer, I was so happy I almost cried!  She said that it was only needed during the "Kool-aid" phase and now that I am done with that I don't have to take it any longer.  You have no idea how excited I was.  She did tell me however that there are a new set of side effects that come with the new meds.  I will most likely get neuropathy that is when your fingers and toes get tingling in them like when they "fall asleep" and you wiggle them to "wake" them up.  My bone pain should lessen in such an isolated area but will continue more all over, only not as bad and I will start getting muscle aches all over as well, kind of like when you have the flu and are achey.  My most favorite (not really) new side effect is that I have to start taking steroids and I can plan on gaining weight, from what I have read anywhere from 10-30 lbs.  Ugh!!!! Really that is not what I wanted to hear at all.  I have worked so hard to get where I am and keeping the 100+ pounds off that I lost over 2 years ago.  I can only hope that this too is just temporary and this time next year all will be back to normal.

       My treatment was about 6 hours this week and hopefully next week will drop to a little over 5 and then go to 4 1/2 for the last 9.  I get 3 pre meds and then a large bag of chemo after that.  I didn't get a picture of it but will next week.  I was too distracted by a family in the treatment area that I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at.  It was a mom and her 2 daughters (both in there 40's).  They first caught my ear because they were so loud but what kept my attention was how the girls were talking to their mom.  They kept talking to her like a baby… no joke.  "You're okay mommy, don't be sad mommy, I'll hold your hand mommy, sit right here mommy."  Then they both would squat next to her and pet her like a dog.  One of the daughters stayed with her for her entire treatment and talked to her like that the whole time.  The little old man sitting across from them was so funny to watch and tried really hard to hide his laughing at them.  At one point one of the nurses (my favorite one) came over to me and asked if they were kidding, she said she felt like she was being filmed it was so funny.  I finally put my headphones on and fell asleep for a couple of hours.  When I woke up they were still going at it.

The 2 weeks from hell after my last treatment ended on a high note and we were able to have a fun weekend on a family outing.  We took the kids to a really good pizza place in Wes Hollywood and then headed down to the Grove for some shopping.  The kids love going down there to shop, see the fountains and get a yummy treat at the farmers market.  As my daughter calls it, it's like Disneyland for adults.  It was the night before the Christmas tree lighting so it was fun to see all the decorations and the stage all set up for the big show.  Speaking of shopping, I have made quite a dent in my Christmas shopping, I am about half done and am almost done with my kids as well.  I love to get done early because I tend to spend less and and can make sure I am not scrambling at the last minute.  It also helps because I have so many birthdays right around the holidays as well between my dad, husband and son on the 23rd, 26th and 27th.

I have had so many visitors and so many people thinking of me.  I love to read all of the sweet comments and messages.  It is funny though I just don't feel like talking about all that I am going through.  When I first found out I did talk and talked a lot but now I almost feel like I am just tired of talking and I don't really know why.  I don't know how I am suppose to feel and sometimes I almost feel guilty that I am not more "down" both physically and mentally.  Trust me I don't want to go where I was a week or so ago and I have always been such an upbeat person, I don't want to lessen what I am going through or seem ungrateful I just don't want to give cancer so much power over me and who I am.  Thank you to all of you for all the love and support, that is what gets me through everyday!!!!

Painful days

Sometimes the pain is so unbearable!  I don't know what to do or how to fix it.  The past 3 days have been filled with so much pain, I even described it as being as bad as child birth.  Friday night was the worst of it, my bones in my pelvis and thigh hurt so bad I only slept a few hours and I was in tears most of the night.  I started taking the pain meds on Thursday and actually took 2 on Friday.  I hate taking them because they make me so loopy and just knock me out.  When I wake up I am good for about 30 minutes and then have to lay down and that is where I stay most of the day.  I can't believe how much pain I am in sometimes and I can't imagine being like this for the next 3 months.  They give me meds (my shots) to take days 3-10 after treatment to push out as many white blood cells as I can. This is what causes my bones to hurt so bad.  On Saturday I actually stood and talked to myself in the mirror about whether or not to take my shot I was hurting so much, I just can't think about what this all means for the next 3 months.  I start my next treatment on Monday, and go once a week until February and if I follow the same treatment plan I will be on my shots everyday for the next 3 months and I just can't do that!!!!

Cold seems to help more than heat so I sit with a cold pack on my back for what seems like hours everyday, but I eventually need to get up and move.  Today was the first day I actually felt human and ventured out with my mom, but needed to stop and sit every 10 minutes or so.  Sometimes I think this is karma coming back to bite me in the ass because I was so fixated on how old and slow everyone seemed in the oncology department, now I know why, they all were feeling like I do now!

As usual on days 10-14 after treatment my mouth hurts so bad that I hate to even talk.  I'm so sorry if you see me and I don't seem like I am very talkative but it just hurts so much and it makes me so grumpy (just ask my husband and kids).  I still use my numbing mouthwash a few times a day and drink a ton of tea to help, but the pain is so constant.  One thing I might do is make one of those paper chains we made as kids. It can be a visual of how many days I have left of this nightmare process so at least I have something to look forward to and a way to mark off the days.

Things on my list to talk to the doctor about next week include; pain management, meds after future treatments, lack of sleep, white blood cell count and supplements to take during the next phase of treatment.  I can only hope that she has some good news for me.

As always love you and thanks so much for the support!

14 hours…. really

Well over the past few days I have learned that even though the doctor said that I may not feel the effects compound throughout my treatment that is not the case for me.  I decided yesterday to listen to my body and rest when I needed to.  It seems that my best day is the day after treatment but the worst are the next 3 days.  I spent 14 hours in bed yesterday and I feel so guilty about it!  I am just so tired and my bones hurt so bad.  I know that the medicine I am taking for my white blood cell count is working because I hurt so much.  The medicine works to push more white blood cells out of my bone marrow but the side effect is that my bones hurt and they hurt a lot!  Mainly in the large bones like my femur or hips so it hurts to get up and walk a lot!!!  The doctor did give me pain meds but they just make me so tired and out of it, I hate to take them at all.

I get sad when I have to rest so much because I hate to have to have my kids and hubby see me like this and I hate not being able to do anything and have to have things done for me.  I get sad that I can't be the mom that can help with homework, or work on projects or get my kids to and from practice and games and have to depend so much on others.  Peter is and has been so amazing throughout this whole process and I don't know what I would do with out him!  Some of you may know this song but I thought I would put the link in just in case, it hits very close to home for me!

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iyU4S7yHFo

Next week is my last week with no treatment until mid-February and I am trying to plan as many things as I can but don't know if I will be able to do it all.  I just want to get things done before I have to start treatment every week.  With the holidays coming up I am trying to get as much shopping done as I can because I just don't know what I will be able to do.  I just want to keep things as "normal" as I can!

We are winding down with football for the boys so at least that will be one thing off the activity list starting next week.  However baseball, volleyball and basketball will be starting soon so it will be short lived I'm sure.  I can only hope and pray that the next cocktail will not be as hard on me and I can begin to be a mom again.

As always thank you for all the love and support!  Love to you all!

Feeling grateful!

     


I know it has been almost a week since my last post and I have been resting a lot and trying to get things done when I have the strength to do so.  Even though Peter and the kids know I need to rest and tell me to do it as much as they can it is also not normal for me and I'm sure it is odd to see me "down" so much.  My white blood cell count was up to 3.2 yesterday so I was able to do my treatment and I was so glad that I was able to.  I know it may sound weird to be thankful I was able to have red poison pumped through my body but it was my last one of this cocktail so I am done with the "Kool-Aid" yea!!!!  My next treatment is set for the Monday the 18th and then I will start going every Monday until MY BIRTHDAY!!!!  My last treatment is actually on my birthday!  That is as long as I don't have any more delays.

       I am still so overwhelmed with gratitude with all of the calls, text, cards, gifts and emails.  I received the most thoughtful gift in the mail from an old high school friend.  It really touched me that so many people are thinking of me.  An entire pee wee football team, of which I know only 2 players were all wearing pink for me and sent me a team picture!  Thanks so much to Rob and his boys Robbie and Darren!  I love hearing all of the stories from people who are reading my blog as well.  It is so amazing to me that people I don't even know are reading it and it is reaching so many.  I heard from another old friend who was talking to her doctor about mammograms and the nurse she was talking to actual knew of my blog and said she was reading it all the way in Idaho… thanks Kelly your story was so crazy!

       I am so grateful and surprised by the continued support.  I know we are all busy and we all live busy lives that's why it always puts a smile on my face when I get a note or little something to brighten my day.  I expected it all to fade away by now but I should have known that, the same circle of friends and family who rallied around me in the beginning would stick by me and still be there today!  I can't tell you all how much I love you and am so thankful for all of you.  I also am so grateful for the ones who have come out of the woodwork that I have not talked to in so long both near and far.  If nothing else my Christmas card list has grown by leaps and bounds this year!!!

Halloween was a huge success at our house, it was so nice to see all the kids and friends who stopped by for a visit.  The kids all had a great time and we even had a few cousins over to go trick or treating as well so it was a great night with a TON of candy!  I think the kids brought home more candy than we passed out this year.  I expect the next few days will be much like last time so I am trying to prepare myself as much as I can.  Thanks as always for all the love and support!  Love to you all!!!

No Chemo today.

I went in for my blood draw yesterday and found out my white count was up but only to 2.5.  That was good but when I went in for my chemo appointment today the doctor would not let me do my treatment because it was below 3.  I was so mad!!!!  I don't want to postpone this process at all.  I was planning on asking to change my chemo day to Monday with the change in meds only because Christmas day and New Years day fall on Wednesdays and I wanted to deal with it now rather than juggle days later.  So in the long run it won't push out the treatments at all because I will be on track once my new "cocktail" starts.  The longer out from treatment the better I feel and side effects begin to lessen.  I didn't sleep well last night, never do the day before I go in, and now I just feel like all the stress is pushed out.  I have to go back in on Sunday to see where my white count is just to make sure that Monday is a go.  

This time last week I was having the feelings again of wanting to quit, throw in the towel and just stop. I hate how so much of this is out of my control and how truly crappy I feel.  I feel a little bit better this week having a new focus in my nutrition and really taking control of something with all the the juicing and supplements and being hopeful that it is making a difference.  I am really trying to focus on the positive and know that all will be okay and focus on what I can control.  Peter and I try to take Cooper out for a walk every night and it is really good for me to get out and get some exercise.  More than that it is just a really good opportunity for Peter and I to talk and just have time for us and it is my favorite part of the day.  

Looking on the positive side, with not having treatment today that means that I will feel good for Halloween and the weekend full of games.  I have to put things out there to look forward to, things that are fun and take my mind off of what I am having to deal with.  I have been enjoying Downton Abby (thanks Gina) and just started season 2.  We are carving our pumpkins tonight and the twins don't have school tomorrow or Friday so maybe we can do something fun.  I hope you all have a great Halloween, I will keep you posted on the white blood cell count and as always thanks so much for all the love and support!

Some days I wonder....

Some days I wonder what else could be coming.  Over the past few days my feet have been hurting, like when you get a pedicure and they work the calluses just a little bit too much.  Yesterday it got to the point where walking was very painful.  After doing some research we found out that one of the meds in my cocktail causes something called hand/foot syndrome.  Sometimes I think I am making this stuff up and then Peter does some research and it turns out it is another side effect. It's not in my head and it is a real thing.  It is just another reminder that chemo really is poison and it is so hard on your body.

I have to take a handful of pills for the first 4 days after treatment and then I take additional vitamins. I also started taking some additional supplements to help with my white blood count.  Some days I take over 25 pills and it can get a little crazy how long it takes me to take them.  Have I mentioned I HATE taking pills and I am terrible at remembering to take them.  I have them beautifully displayed on my counter just so I don't forget.  I am hopeful that the new supplements will help the white blood cell count.  I go in on Tuesday for another blood draw and will get the results on Wednesday.  I have been feeling better the past few days and have not had a blackout since my visit to the ER.  My temperature also seems to have come back in line as well and I have not had any spikes which is a good thing.

I had the opportunity to go to church today, the doctor really does not like me to be indoors with a lot of people so she would rather I didn't go especially with my white count so low.  My oldest was speaking in Sacrament and I didn't want to miss it.  He had worked on his talk all week and thanks to a great friend, he was ready to go.  I was so proud of him and loved what he had written.  It was so nice to see all the familiar faces and thank them in person for all of prayers, love and support.  I continue to be overwhelmed with all of the love and support from so many.

I have treatment in 3 days, it is my LAST Kool-Aid cocktail and I couldn't be happier about it but on the other hand I am a little scared too.  With this last treatment my cocktail will change to every week and the meds change as well.  I can only hope that the new cocktail, that will start the second week of November, is not as toxic and my side effects are not as bad.  Thanks again for all the love and support!

And the hits just keep on coming!

I knew I was having bad days and I didn't know why.  I had a bit of a fever on Tuesday night but took Tylenol and it seemed to break it.  When I got up yesterday and stood for the first time everything went black and I had to sit down right away.  As the morning went on it was much of the same every time I would walk more than a few steps I would get very dizzy and light headed.  I called the doctor and talked to her and she said to go to the ER.  I spent 6 hours in the ER on meds and fluids and they took a ton of blood to run tests.  I learned more about white blood cells than I thought I ever would.  Normal white blood cell counts are 5-10, when they tested mine I was at 1.  This was good and bad, bad because it is so low but good that it didn't get down to 0.5, at that level they automatically admit you to the hospital.  Since my count was 1 I had a choice of either staying in the hospital and being monitored there or going home taking meds and resting.  Going home was my only option!  The least amount of time in the hospital the better for me!

I have heard that when you are taking chemo treatments its not if its when will you spend time in the hospital and I'm really trying for that not to happen.  People go into the hospital and get stuck there for weeks and I don't want that to happen to me!  Peter has been doing research on what helps to build white blood cells, in addition to the meds I am taking I need to start changing my diet and taking supplements that can help that process.  With that and rest I am hopeful when I go back for blood work next week my count has gone up.  It has been a gradual decline throughout my treatment, my first test was 3.8 then 3 now 1.  I can only hope that it goes up because I can't afford for it go much lower.

I am starting to hate the walls of my house but really don't want to go out much at all.  Every time I walk outside my energy seems to drop and I get so tired.  That and it takes so much energy to "get ready" to go out.  Even though without hair it has cut down my primp time I still get so tired.  I have been trying to sit outside during the day to get some fresh air and see the sun.  I am glad that the weather is a bit cooler so my beans don't look so out of place.  They even say it may rain next week which would be such a nice change.

I really worry about putting stress on my kids sometimes so I try not to talk about when I have to go to the doctor unexpectedly.  Yesterday I had an appointment for a dressing change so it was normal that I was not home when they got home from school but we didn't get home until after 5 so that was a little strange.  I don't want them to worry about me more than they already are and me having to go to the ER I think they stress out about it, especially my oldest.  They are all so good about taking care of me and making sure I have everything I need and letting me rest when I need to.  I just want them to be able to be kids and not have this hanging over their heads.

Here's to today being a better day and my white blood cells making a jump!   Love to you all and thank you so much for all the love and support!

Bad days...

Today is a horrible day!  I have been feeling pretty crumby the past couple of days and today I just feel like crap!  I thought it was just because I was trying to do to too much so today I decided to just lay low.  I actually canceled all of my visitors I was suppose to have today so I could rest.  I have been on the couch all day sleeping on and off.  My head has been killing me and my temperature has been a little on the high side at 99.3.  I am suppose to go to the ER if my temp gets above 100.4.  I have only taken Tylenol today to help with the headache but it has not done much for me.  I don't have much of an appetite and smells are starting to bother me as well.  I am just trying to drink as much water as I can but the taste is so bad it makes it very hard.

I just feel like all I want to do is sleep but then I think that makes me feel worse because I'm not doing anything.  As some of you know I am a BIG couponer and I really wanted to get my list together so Johnna could go shopping for me tomorrow.  She is still coming up one a week to help me with whatever I need and is always a huge help!!!  I know she laughs at me but my goal to always save at least 65% or more on each shopping trip, the most I have saved was 76%.  I am hopeful that I get some kind of second wind and can pull it together before she gets here.

I hate days like this, when I feel so sick and out of it.  I feel like I have cancer and I can't do a damn thing about it!  My body is hurting, my mouth is so sore, my head is pounding and all that seems to help is sleep.  I hate to whine like this and I feel like such a loser, I hate complaining because I know that things could be so much worse.  I know there are people fighting harder than I am and they have a much tougher road to hoe.  Makes me feel guilty even talking about it really, I just need to suck it up!  If I don't feel better tomorrow I'm going to have to call the doctor to figure out if this is normal.  She said that the first treatment should be a good indication of how the rest of my treatments should go but I feel so much worse than I did the first time around and I don't know if that is normal.

I hate to be so negative but it is what it is and I have to deal with the bad days as much as I get to deal with the good days.  I hate bad days!  I just hope there are not many more of them!

Nausea..

Nausea, its a funny thing, well not really but when you think about it, it is just strange.  When I first found out I had breast cancer I threw up.  I think it was a combination of fear, shock and complete disbelief.  I didn't know what to do or feel and that was the first thing that came to me.  Now I fight everyday not to throw up.  I take my meds and drink as much water as I can but it still creeps in.  I don't think there is a more unpleasant felling then knowing it is coming or actually doing it.  I really hope with my next cocktail this feeling goes away.  The worst days are day 5-7 after my treatment.  Tea seems to help a lot and thanks to my friends and family I have enough tea for the long hall and a collection of my favorite mugs to transport me during the day to a far off place.  It is kind of ironic that I can't taste anything but yet still get nausea, wouldn't you think it would be something you ate that would give you an upset stomach?

I still think I can do anything and can keep my normal activities but quickly find out that is not the case.  We had 2 soccer games and 2 football games yesterday and then went to the Kings game with some good friends (thanks Millers!).  I ended up taking 2 naps between all the games and headed out to the Staples Center.  We didn't stay till the end, I just get so tired it is so annoying!  I feel like I am 100.  When I first started going to the oncology department at the hospital it was a little unnerving, okay a lot!  Everyone looked 100 and it felt like a morgue!  Now I know why even the smallest activity is so taxing.  I am so looking forward to the holidays coming up but at the same time it makes me nervous because I don't want anything to be different for the kids or for me.  I so love the fall and Thanksgiving and of course Christmas it is always such a fun time.  I so look forward to all the cooking but something about not being able to taste any of it does not sound like fun at all!

The newest fun nugget of side effects is numbness, my mouth still gets sore at about day 5 and gradually gets worse until day 10 but now my lips are starting to get tingly and numb as well, mostly in the morning.  My finger seems to be getting better although the cut is taking forever to heal the swelling has gone down and the redness is almost gone.  I am getting better with my lack of hair, I have a favorite thin bean that I wear all the time and my head is not as sensitive as it was.  I am even able to go to bed without a bean but have to keep one close because by 4am my head gets pretty cold.  I would like it a bit more if the weather would cooperate a bit because the heat does not go with my outfit!

As always thank you for all the love and support!  I received the most beautiful flower arrangements this week that really brightened my week!  Thanks so much.... thank you notes are on the way, I promise!

Good Room and positivity!!!

It is so funny (and I LOVED IT) how many of you reached out to me to see if I got the "good room"  and I did. But I had to have a bed instead of a chair, but still the good room!!!!  I was lucky enough to have my BFF with me for the whole treatment so we could chat and watch a movie.  It is so nice to have someone there to talk with, it really makes the time go by fast and to feel normal while they pump the poison into me.  I also had the pleasure of sitting next to an AMAZING woman Lori.  She has been through a lot and still has a lot to deal with but is handling it all like a CHAMP and is such an inspiration to anyone who crosses her path especially me!

It made me try to think of all the positives that come along with having breast cancer.  I don't have to wear a bra and for those of you who know me that is something I NEVER did before. I couldn't, it would have been offensive.  Having no hair really cuts down on my time in the morning, I can get up, be showered and out of the house in less than 30 minutes.  I don't have to shave my legs anymore, at least for the next 4 months. It really is nice!  I have to come up with something positive in this whole process otherwise it would make for a long journey, right!

Today was a good day, Thursdays are always good for the most part. Friday is my hardest day next to the day of treatment.  I had a dear friend and college roommate fly in from Texas to visit me and it was great to see her.  We went to lunch and I took her to Lombardi's to get all of the pumpkins for my porch.  I so love the fall, it is my favorite time of the year and I love to decorate. It is the only time of the year you can put decorations up in early October and leave them up for almost 8 weeks.  You really get a lot out of it.  I am still waiting for the cold snap to come and stay.  The beanies have been okay but it has been a little warm and it is a little strange to have shorts, t-shirt, flip flops and a beanie... LOL.

Tomorrow I plan on resting most of the day and just taking it easy.  For some reason most Friday's are really hard, the one right after treatment brings nausea and a lot of fatigue.  The the second Friday is the worst day for my mouth pain.  Last week was so bad I couldn't talk and I am not looking forward to that at all, although some people may be.  This blog really has been so good for me and it's so amazing how many people from all over the world have been reading it.  Thank you for forwarding it on, posting it to your  FB pages and just supporting me.  We have over 6000 hits to the page and it has been viewed in 15 different countries.

Love to you all!!!

Some people are unreal!!!!

I had the most annoying encounter today and I don't think anyone would believe me but my mom was with me and couldn't believe her ears as well.  We were at the grocery store and this guy behind us in line suddenly asked me "what's your PIC line for"  I simply answered "cancer".  He then goes on to ask me a few questions about the meds and I just told him it was for breast cancer and tried to go on about my business.  He then asked if it was in my lymph nodes and I just said "no, we got lucky".  The next thing he said was so unbelievable and unreal it almost took my breath away.  He then said "Oh, it will get there."  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!  Who do you think you are?!?!?!?!  I could not believe it.  I almost didn't know what to say, I told him no, I don't think so, I got this.  Then paid and got the hell out of there!!! As I was leaving he said to me "it's beatable though".  I felt like punching him in his face!  It is amazing to me how brazen people can be.  I didn't know him, he didn't know me but felt it was his business to voice his opinion like that!  UGH!!! Such and ASS!!!!

On the other end of the spectrum, I have to say thank you to all of you!!!! Thank you for all the love and support in your comments, emails, text, FB posts and messages.  It is amazing to me, all the kind words and encouragement I have received, so overwhelming!  It truly is unbelievable to me every time I open my computer to see how many people take the time to reach out just to let me know they are there and they are following my blog and have been thinking about me.  THANK YOU!!!


Today was a good day (other than the grocery store incident).  My mom and I were able to get a lot done around the house, okay she did most of the work and I took a nap.  I had a great lunch with great friends and got a chance to catch up after being gone last week and missing my weekly visit.  We were able to plan a fun outing for next summer once all of this is behind me!  It is so nice to plan future events so I have something to look forward to.  I can't wait to not have all of this hanging over me and just can "BE".  I do see a busy evening of baking and eating tonight since Johnna has been shopping for the past hour, I can't wait to see what pumpkin and fall yumminess she comes up with tonight.

Tomorrow will be treatment #3 (13 more to go) and I wonder how it will go, I always feel the best right before treatment.  Tuesday night is always hard because I know what is coming and hate to think about it.  Tomorrow will bring sluggishness, yucky tastes, cold rooms and sleeping.  I think the worst part is the shots I have to take beginning the Friday after treatment everyday for a week.  I think that is what causes my mouth to hurt so much.  Last time around was so bad it got to the point where I couldn't even talk.

Think happy thoughts for tomorrow, love you all and cross your fingers I get the "good room"!

Back to reality

We have been home for 3 days and I am feeling "normal" again.  Just in time to go in for another Chemo treatment the day after tomorrow.  I had to go in to the doc today because I got a cut on my finger and it is infected.  Since my immune system is shot right now the doc wants to keep an eye on it and started antibiotics.  It is very sore, swollen and red.

Getting ready for another Chemo day is never fun.  I seem to forget very fast how I feel and how the next few days go.  You would think I would write it down day by day since I have to do this so many times.  It is almost like if I don't talk about it, it will go away and I will wake up from this bad dream soon.  I still have not found the perfect food to get rid of the bad taste during treatment.  They have done the meds in a different order each time so far and I don't know if that makes a big difference.  Honestly the thing I think about the most going into treatment is if I will get the "good" room.  There are 2 rooms for treatment a huge one with 20+ chairs and 2 beds, then there is a small room with 2 chairs and 2 beds.  I like the small room, it is not a busy, not as many people, it's quiet and I don't have as many eyes on me. They say that you can't have visitors during treatment but I have been able to each time so far and that has been good.  This week I may go solo, I have a lot of shows to get caught up on.

On a positive note we are going to the Dodger game tonight and they better WIN!!!  I am really looking forward to going, I'll be the one in the Dodger bean if your there.  GO BLUE!!!!

Stages of grief... anger stage

They say there are stages of grief and I think I have hit the anger stage.  I seem to be angry a lot, angry at the fact that I have no hair, angry that I feel so sluggish, angry that I have to wear a sleeve EVERY TIME I shower, angry that I have a tube sticking out of my arm, angry that I have no boobs, angry that I can't sleep at night, angry that I can't taste ANYTHING I eat, angry that I can't workout, angry that.... Just angry!  I had a dream the other day that I just said enough, I'm done with Chemo!  I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to sit and have poison pumped into me, poison so strong you can only have it done 4 times in your lifetime and I am getting all 4 treatments done in 8 weeks.  I am only 2 treatments in and still have 14 to go, this is not good!  I was so mad the whole drive home from Utah.  We had to leave 2 days early because I was feeling so bad!  I couldn't even focus enough to do an update.  I HATE THIS AND I AM ANGRY ABOUT IT!!!!!

We were having a good time and I just thought that I was tired but it was much more than that.  I couldn't even walk across the room without feeling like I was going to pass out.  The altitude was really effecting me and I never even thought that would be an issue.  I went to get my dressing changed and the doctor there confirmed what I thought it was, the altitude and it was not good.  My oxygen level was low but not alarming and my blood pressure was a little low but I always have low blood pressure.  I had to get out of there.  We were able to do most of all we had planned, horseback riding, apple picking, shopping, visiting the U, spending time with family and just hanging out.  The leaves were all changing and it was beautiful!  What we were not able to do is the one thing we were there for, the football game.  WOW what a game!!!  I love it when Utah does what no one thinks they can.

Now that I am home I am feeling better everyday  I am can breathe easier and am not getting dizzy but am still tired.  I have been a little more worried about my hair, or lack of hair now that I am back to reality.  I did go to all the kids games today and wore my beanie. Next week could be tough because it is suppose to be 85 degrees plus and I don't think I could go without a bean.  I am getting better at not wearing a bean in the house but it is still very sensitive.  My hair is still really patchy but seems to still be coming out and I'm sure will be totally bald soon.  I now it is going to be this way for the next 5 months or so but I don't think I will ever get used to it.  I know for sure I will never like it.

I hope you all are well and as always love to you all!