Both tears but some laughs as well

It has been a little more than 12 hours since I decided to shave my head.  It had gotten to the point where every time I touched it so much of it was falling out and actually I didn't have that much to shave because so much of it I was able, along with my kids, to just run my fingers through and it would come out.  One thing that I did learn is that I had A TON OF HAIR!!!  It was crazy it just kept coming out and never seemed to end.  I really didn't know how or what I was doing and I am so thankful for my amazing husband, who helped me so much.  He took pictures when I asked, he held me when I cried and he laughed with me all at the right times.  The kids were not around when we did the actual shaving but knew it was going to happen last night.  I wanted to include them in some of it but didn't think it would be good for them to be around for all of it.   I am bald!!!  I don't think I realize it yet and that I will still catch glimpses of myself in the mirror and wonder who that is.  I have not seen anyone outside my own family yet so the next few days should be interesting.  I wonder how many people will look and me now with "those looks" of oh she must have cancer.... ugh!

I am doing okay, my head is very sensitive and it hurts to touch.  I have not washed it yet, that will come today, I thought I would let it rest for a bit.  I have had a bean on almost all of the time since, because it is so cold and it hurts if anything touches it.  As long as a bean is on I seem to be okay.  We even ventured out last night in the crisp Park City air and it was not that bad.  I slept all night in the

softest bean I brought (thanks Kim) and I slept some.  I woke up at about 6:30 and couldn't fall back asleep so here I am.  I didn't cry as much as I thought I would I guess my attitude is more of just matter of fact, that I have to do this and it is all just part of the process.  I'm not the first woman to have to do this and unfortunately I won't be the last.  I will say that it being October the whole Pink thing is making me a little crazy... I have never been a pink girl and it is EVERYWHERE!!!!!  My oldest told me that he thinks if you have breast cancer and it is the month of October you should get a discount on anything that is pink...

The trip up was fine, I was tired and didn't sleep as much as I thought I would.  The leaves are all changing and it is so beautiful!  I love this time of year it is my favorite, just being in Park City makes me so happy.  We have lots of things planned and I hope to be able to do most of them.  The twins are most excited about the horseback riding trip but I think all of us are looking forward to the football game the most.

I hope you all are well and as always thank you so much for all of the positivity and love!!!!

I'm off...

Well in more than one way I am off.  I am leaving for our trip today so my next few posts will be from the road but I wanted to get one more off before I left and this will be a quick one.  I also have come to the realization that when I get home I will have lost all of my hair.  It is coming out like crazy now and I'm sure it will be gone by Monday.  I am working on lining up a place that I can go to while we are in Utah to get it "taken care of".  It is still only coming out like it is thinning and not in big clumps but with all of this wind it is just coming out like crazy!  I have not washed it and used the dry shampoo but just to touch it makes it come out.  I'm still doing okay with it but don't know how I will react once it is all gone....

I wanted to add a picture of me with hair so you can remember that I did have long fun curls and they will be back in a year or two, I hope.  I know this is a short post but I wanted to let you all know not to freak out if you see me when I get back as well as to write it down so I can start to process this.

I have been feeling pretty good and trying to rest.  I plan on sleeping most of the way today and I was able to find a place at a cancer center by the "U" to get my pic dressing changed so my doctor was happy with that so I am all cleared and ready to go.  I am really looking forward to the trip and just relaxing.

I hope you all are well and not getting too blown away with all of this wind.  Stay safe and love to you all!

Need to remember

I think I am doing this blog more for my own benefit than anything else.  It helps me to fill my time, document my feelings, track how I feel after treatment and just to share my story with others.  I have heard so many times since I started this of how positive and upbeat I am and how I am inspiring people everywhere (that's weird to me that people get that from me).  I really don't know of any other way, it is just how I am.  It is kind of nice to know so many people are reading what I put out there though.  As of this morning I have had almost 3000 hits in a week, SO CRAZY!!!!  Makes me a little uncomfortable though because every time I go back and read it I ALWAYS find a typo... So sorry about that.  I have always said writing was not my strength and spelling is just not in my wheel house.  I know a lot of the people who read this are in it to support me, when you all share it with others I know it is reaching someone who needs to see it.  I also know there is a small group who just read it to be nosey and thats okay I don't worry about it and focus on the positive!

Speaking of positive, this video was sent to me the other day and I love it!!!!  I love her energy and love this song too.  I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did!!!!
                                                            http://youtu.be/BaQdwTsVtCY     

My treatment went well yesterday I left home around 7:30 and got home around 2.  I was able to sleep/rest most of the day in huge part to my amazing husband and sister-in-law who ran all 3 kids to all of their practices, my friends of course who dropped off "goodie bags" to take to treatment and the unwaivering and never-ending support of my church.  They show up with dinner 3 times a week (along with all of my girlfriends who do it the other 3 days a week), in addition they show up 2 days a week to help the twins with their homework which is a HUGE help because I just can't focus very long anymore and there is a reason I was not a teacher!!!  I know I have said this before but please bare with me on my thank you notes... they are coming but I am behind a bit.  I am a big thank you writer so this is driving me nuts that I have so many still to write.  I know a stupid thing to worry about but I do.

Treatment, like I said it went well.  My oncologyst said that the first treatment is a good indicator of how the rest will go so I was very happy with that since after about 4 days I start to feel better as each day goes by.  This "cocktail" will go for another month (2 more treatments) then I switch to another mix which will be EVERY week, so at least I think I know what the next month will be, because I have a lot planned.  We are leaving for Utah soon, going to the Ellen show (I think) and planting my bulbs with my kids in the front yard, this is kind of a big deal with the twins because they always pop up around their birthday.  The Kool-aid as I call is still weird to watch going in because I think I should fell it more, it did make me dizzy this time around and when I told the nurse they all started freaking out so I guess that is a big deal as a side effect.  I guess I better key into that a little more and share with the doctors how I am feeling.

My hair is still falling out every time I run my fingers through it so I try not to do that much.  You still can't tell, I think.  I am coming to the realization that I am going to have to divide when the time is right to dive in and just cut it off.  It still hurts and I know it will stop hurting once it is gone but I'm not ready for it to be gone.... will I ever be?  This picture is one hand running through my hair and it happens every time.  I used to losing hair all the time but never this much and so often.  I don't even want to touch it and forget about washing it.  Maybe I will try one of those dry shampoos.

I hope this post finds you all well!  Thanks for all the text, calls, emails FB posts and feedback on this blog!

It has begun....

Well today was the day.  I have been saying for the past few days it's like waiting for a punch in the face.  You know it's coming and you know it is going to SUCK!!!!!  You just don't know when it is going to happen.  My hair has started to fall out.  It is not coming in chunks like I thought it would, it is more just from all over.  I got up this morning and all was fine, went downstairs to get the kids off to school and ran my fingers through my hair.....  came out with a handful of hair so I knew something was up.  I took a shower and washed my hair, if you remember I mentioned I thought it could be the last time I did that.  Since I have curly hair I don't ever brush it, I use my fingers as my brush so when I wash it I run my fingers through it a lot.  Needless to say they were dropping like flies.

I am doing okay with it so far, if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't even know I was losing it.  I did my hair as usual and I can tell a difference but I have so much hair no one else can tell.  But please if you see me out and about please, please, please tell me if you notice it.... I could be in denial and not even see the huge spot in the back. LOL..

I have received so many beanies from so many people it is amazing!  I love them all.  I have to get in the habit now of adding one to my outfit everyday.  When I got dressed this morning I laid them all out and thought which one would I wear if I needed to.  I look at it as a new opportunity to accessorize, because as Miranda Lambert says "it doesn't matter what your feel like it only matters how you look."

Tomorrow is my next treatment and I think I am as nervous as I was for the first one.  I just hope that the effects don't compound and I can count on the same few days after and how I will feel.  I know I will sleep when I get home and Thursday is a down day but Friday is the worst day, so I just need to plan for that.  I will keep you posted on how I am doing and hopefully feel up to doing another most on Thursday.

Good days....

I am 11 days out from treatment and other than my mouth and not tasting anything I feel really good.  It is a good opportunity to spend some time with the kids and do fun stuff.  We were busy with football and soccer yesterday and today we were able to get all of our fall decorations out and start to get the Halloween costumes together for the kids.

I am not looking forward to my upcoming treatment at all.  Something about sitting watching what looks like Kool-aid being pumped into you is just unnerving.  I know that with this treatment the reality is that my hair will be gone.  I am thinking Tuesday may be the last time I wash it.  I may use every type of conditioning product on it just as a treat.  I am trying to  prep as best I can for Wednesday.  The first time I went I didn't know what to expect and even thinking back on it I did need half the stuff I took.  It is always freezing in the treatment room so a soft blanket is a must (thanks so much Gina!), water, sour candy, salty snacks and my lap top. That's it... I think.  I have to take the sour candy and salty stuff because there is a nasty taste that comes with the treatment.  Its funny how the different meds have different "tastes".  Sometimes the sour is better and sometimes the salt is better to combat the bad taste.  It's like a metallic taste that just is bad!

If you didn't already know we got a dog right before our world was turned upside down.  His name is Cooper after Cooperstown, NY.  He spends most of his day tormenting the cat but recently he has become a great companion who never leaves my side and even will snuggle up to me in the afternoons when it is just the 2 of us.  It almost is like he knows that he needs to be on his best behavior even though his is only a little over 4 months old.  He also is a great reason for Peter and I to have a walk almost every night.  Its nice to be outside with the cooler weather and talk with my husband and just "be".  It is my favorite part of the day.

I am glad that I have been feeling so well.  I hope this is how it will be after my next treatment as well because we will be on our trip and that would be nice.  I hope you are all well and are enjoying the fall weather.

I think it is starting to sink in.

I still can't believe that I am here.  It still feel like I am in a dream and none of this is really happening.  There are brief (very brief) moments that I forget and feel "normal".  But then my arm hurts, or eat something or I just look in the mirror, I DO have Breast Cancer.  Even saying those words sounds like I am making it up, like I am saying some horrible lie that makes no sense.  I try to tell myself this is no big deal that it is like having a cold and I just need to take my meds and all will be fine.  I get angry that I get so tired and sore.

The mouth sores have begun and I can't taste a thing!  Everything hurts to eat even yogurt is painful.  I have a sore down in my throat on the left side so smoothies seem to be the easiest thing to deal with but sometimes you just want to chew something.  The roof of my mouth feels rough like I burned it.  The Doc gave me a mouthwash to help with the pain.  It basically just numbs my entire mouth for an hour or so, it's like that Chloreseptic spray on steroids.  I only use it a few times a day because it tastes really bad and having a numb mouth all day is not that great.

I had a fun quick "reunion" last night with some girlfriends from high school, it was so nice to see them and just laugh.  It is amazing to me how you can go over 20 years and just pick up at the same place like no time has passed.  We covered a lot of ground last night from Hollywood tours, fashion, kids, families, jobs, the proper "fold" and of course how V-town is such a small world.

I came across a great video on the Breast Cancer site yesterday.  Here is the link if you would like to watch it,
http://supportthefightagainstbreastcancer.com/stuff-breast-cancer-surviors-say/?utm_source=social&utm_medium=bcsfan&utm_campaign=stuff-breast-cancer-surviors-say&utm_term=20130927

It made me laugh and cry but most of all it helped me realize that all of the things I am "feeling" are normal, this is my new normal and that this is not a cold.  I need to listen to my body and rest when I can and that's okay.  I am used to being busy... really busy all the time.  All of this down time is strange to me I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.  I am so glad that the new TV season is starting and I can stop watching re-runs.  I have had so many visitors and that has been so good for me, that along with this blog really help me to pass the time and keep busy.

Thanks for all of the positive feedback and energy!  I can fell all the love everyday!!!

Friends really are the BEST medicine!

People say that in a crisis you find out who your true friends are.  I am here to say that I have the most AMAZING friends in the world!!!  They lift me up, keep me positive, help me through, support me and my family but most of all they are just there.  During this process I have learned that I have best husband and family but there is nothing that can take the place of a great circle of girlfriends!  We had an opportunity to get together for lunch this week and celebrate a birthday and as always after a 3 hour lunch we were already planning our next get together.  I also am lucky enough to have the best friend in the world who drives what should be 3 hours one way (she drives like a bat otta'hell so it only takes her 2) to spend one day a week with me.  It is so great to see her bright smiling face every week and she (along with a certain Sister-in-law) fills my house with baked goods that are so good!!!

I woke up full of energy this morning.... at least until 9am.  I am down to only one med (my shot) and feel pretty good.  I still only have to take Tylenol for the pain so it is manageable.  I was so worried about the PIC dressing change today because my arm has been so sore.  I had to ice my arm most of the day yesterday but that is not what kept me up all night.  I have heard you dream about losing your hair but last night was my first one.  It was so real!!!!  I know this is going to be my biggest hurdle and it makes me so mad that I am that girl, who is so worried about something like my hair.  It really is so stupid but as most of you know my hair has defined me, I have a lot of it.  I woke up almost in tears last night just playing with my hair to make sure it was still there.  Part of me just wants it to fall out already so I can be done with it but it really scares me and how I am going to respond to it.  I still try to tell myself it will be fine and the beanies will be great but will they really????  I was so obsessed with it this morning that I got the scissors and cut 2 inches off just because.  My head still hurts a bit but not as bad, when I run my fingers through it, it feels like the hair is just going to come out with my fingers.

Okay ENOUGH!!!!  I have to get over it!


Coming to grips with how I am feeling with all of this is rough and I am so looking forward to the next girls night.... I'm meeting a group of girls from high school and I can't wait for night out even for just a quick reunion.   It will be a great distraction and an opportunity to see some great girls that I haven't in way too long!!!