Good days....

I am 11 days out from treatment and other than my mouth and not tasting anything I feel really good.  It is a good opportunity to spend some time with the kids and do fun stuff.  We were busy with football and soccer yesterday and today we were able to get all of our fall decorations out and start to get the Halloween costumes together for the kids.

I am not looking forward to my upcoming treatment at all.  Something about sitting watching what looks like Kool-aid being pumped into you is just unnerving.  I know that with this treatment the reality is that my hair will be gone.  I am thinking Tuesday may be the last time I wash it.  I may use every type of conditioning product on it just as a treat.  I am trying to  prep as best I can for Wednesday.  The first time I went I didn't know what to expect and even thinking back on it I did need half the stuff I took.  It is always freezing in the treatment room so a soft blanket is a must (thanks so much Gina!), water, sour candy, salty snacks and my lap top. That's it... I think.  I have to take the sour candy and salty stuff because there is a nasty taste that comes with the treatment.  Its funny how the different meds have different "tastes".  Sometimes the sour is better and sometimes the salt is better to combat the bad taste.  It's like a metallic taste that just is bad!

If you didn't already know we got a dog right before our world was turned upside down.  His name is Cooper after Cooperstown, NY.  He spends most of his day tormenting the cat but recently he has become a great companion who never leaves my side and even will snuggle up to me in the afternoons when it is just the 2 of us.  It almost is like he knows that he needs to be on his best behavior even though his is only a little over 4 months old.  He also is a great reason for Peter and I to have a walk almost every night.  Its nice to be outside with the cooler weather and talk with my husband and just "be".  It is my favorite part of the day.

I am glad that I have been feeling so well.  I hope this is how it will be after my next treatment as well because we will be on our trip and that would be nice.  I hope you are all well and are enjoying the fall weather.

I think it is starting to sink in.

I still can't believe that I am here.  It still feel like I am in a dream and none of this is really happening.  There are brief (very brief) moments that I forget and feel "normal".  But then my arm hurts, or eat something or I just look in the mirror, I DO have Breast Cancer.  Even saying those words sounds like I am making it up, like I am saying some horrible lie that makes no sense.  I try to tell myself this is no big deal that it is like having a cold and I just need to take my meds and all will be fine.  I get angry that I get so tired and sore.

The mouth sores have begun and I can't taste a thing!  Everything hurts to eat even yogurt is painful.  I have a sore down in my throat on the left side so smoothies seem to be the easiest thing to deal with but sometimes you just want to chew something.  The roof of my mouth feels rough like I burned it.  The Doc gave me a mouthwash to help with the pain.  It basically just numbs my entire mouth for an hour or so, it's like that Chloreseptic spray on steroids.  I only use it a few times a day because it tastes really bad and having a numb mouth all day is not that great.

I had a fun quick "reunion" last night with some girlfriends from high school, it was so nice to see them and just laugh.  It is amazing to me how you can go over 20 years and just pick up at the same place like no time has passed.  We covered a lot of ground last night from Hollywood tours, fashion, kids, families, jobs, the proper "fold" and of course how V-town is such a small world.

I came across a great video on the Breast Cancer site yesterday.  Here is the link if you would like to watch it,
http://supportthefightagainstbreastcancer.com/stuff-breast-cancer-surviors-say/?utm_source=social&utm_medium=bcsfan&utm_campaign=stuff-breast-cancer-surviors-say&utm_term=20130927

It made me laugh and cry but most of all it helped me realize that all of the things I am "feeling" are normal, this is my new normal and that this is not a cold.  I need to listen to my body and rest when I can and that's okay.  I am used to being busy... really busy all the time.  All of this down time is strange to me I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.  I am so glad that the new TV season is starting and I can stop watching re-runs.  I have had so many visitors and that has been so good for me, that along with this blog really help me to pass the time and keep busy.

Thanks for all of the positive feedback and energy!  I can fell all the love everyday!!!

Friends really are the BEST medicine!

People say that in a crisis you find out who your true friends are.  I am here to say that I have the most AMAZING friends in the world!!!  They lift me up, keep me positive, help me through, support me and my family but most of all they are just there.  During this process I have learned that I have best husband and family but there is nothing that can take the place of a great circle of girlfriends!  We had an opportunity to get together for lunch this week and celebrate a birthday and as always after a 3 hour lunch we were already planning our next get together.  I also am lucky enough to have the best friend in the world who drives what should be 3 hours one way (she drives like a bat otta'hell so it only takes her 2) to spend one day a week with me.  It is so great to see her bright smiling face every week and she (along with a certain Sister-in-law) fills my house with baked goods that are so good!!!

I woke up full of energy this morning.... at least until 9am.  I am down to only one med (my shot) and feel pretty good.  I still only have to take Tylenol for the pain so it is manageable.  I was so worried about the PIC dressing change today because my arm has been so sore.  I had to ice my arm most of the day yesterday but that is not what kept me up all night.  I have heard you dream about losing your hair but last night was my first one.  It was so real!!!!  I know this is going to be my biggest hurdle and it makes me so mad that I am that girl, who is so worried about something like my hair.  It really is so stupid but as most of you know my hair has defined me, I have a lot of it.  I woke up almost in tears last night just playing with my hair to make sure it was still there.  Part of me just wants it to fall out already so I can be done with it but it really scares me and how I am going to respond to it.  I still try to tell myself it will be fine and the beanies will be great but will they really????  I was so obsessed with it this morning that I got the scissors and cut 2 inches off just because.  My head still hurts a bit but not as bad, when I run my fingers through it, it feels like the hair is just going to come out with my fingers.

Okay ENOUGH!!!!  I have to get over it!


Coming to grips with how I am feeling with all of this is rough and I am so looking forward to the next girls night.... I'm meeting a group of girls from high school and I can't wait for night out even for just a quick reunion.   It will be a great distraction and an opportunity to see some great girls that I haven't in way too long!!!

Only as strong as the support around me!

WOW!!!  What a great response.  It is so nice to know there are people out there reading what I just send out into the "cloud".  I have heard from people that I have not talked to in over 20 years, I love social media!!!  This is a lot like journaling which I have done on a regular basis since about 5th grade, so this is just a more hi tech way.

I am trying to plan our trip to Utah, as most of you know Peter and
I both went to the U and we try to get to at least 2-4 games a year.  We have made it to Notre Dame and are already planning the trip to Michigan next year.  We are suppose to go up for the Stanford game in a few weeks and my oncologist said that she would sign off on it as long as I handle the Chemo okay.  Speaking of Chemo I have a total of 16 treatments, the first 4 are every other week so this week is an "off" week however I still need to go in every week to change my dressing on my PIC and for blood work.  I have to keep a close eye on my white blood cell count.  After the first 4, I get to start going every week (lucky me) and it is a different "cocktail".

Anyway, back to fun stuff... Utah!  I can't wait to go to the game and am really looking forward to the trip.  Just to spend time with the family and really relax with the kids.  We love going back to Utah!  We are there at least 2 times a year.  It was so great to see my Utes stick it to that school down south last week.

My shots seem to be going okay, I still have pain on my scalp and really feel like my days are numbered with my hair, although it's not falling out yet.  I lay in bed every morning just imagining what my pillow will look like covered in hair but so far so good.  I don't know how I feel about that.  It is weird because I have started getting a runny nose too, also an effect of no hair... no nose hair so weird!  If the weather does not cool down soon I may be in the house a lot!  Wearing a bean when its 95 outside does not make much sense or maybe I will spend a lot of time at the beach???  I woke up this morning and my throat was sore, I know they said that mouth sores were possible so maybe this is the beginning of that.  I feel like my tongue is really swollen too.  The one thing my oncologist did tell me was that given the type of Chemo I would be getting and how intense it would be (called dense dose) I would be guaranteed to get all of the side effects of Chemo.  Some other "fun" nuggets about my Chemo is that I can't eat sushi at all during treatment and I can't go to the movies (no closed spaces).  I did sign up for Netflix though so I hope to get caught up on all the movies and shows that I have missed.  Although if anyone out there is a member of the Academy I would love to screen the films for this years Oscars... wink, wink.   Since I can't get to the theater.

The nights are tough, I get very sore and stiff so sleeping can be a little difficult.  I have reverted back to my childhood a bit and my inner artist, I am working on a smash board just to keep me busy and capture this time in my life.  If you don't know what a smash board is it is fun way to collect and collage a mish mosh of pictures, sayings and colors on a cancans.  It is a process but a fun one and it is something I can do with the kids.  It is a great way for them to express themselves as well during this whole process.  I have to remember that we as a family are all going through this not just me.

Yesterday was our 18th wedding anniversary but as we like to call it our "Family Birthday".  We had a really nice dinner at Salt Creek and yummy Cold Stone after.  We had to fit it in early because of soccer and drum lessons... and so it goes.  The kids love the family birthday because they get a fancy dinner.

I will let you know how the dressing change goes, it is tomorrow and it is my first one so we will see.

Thanks for listening!

Where to start...

I thought a long time before I moved forward with this blog.  Do I?  Don't I?  Is it too much?  But in the end I thought it would be a good way to let everyone know how how I was doing.  First I have to thank everyone who has reached out to me to help me and my family during this process.  It is still all so new and a bit of a shock.  I never thought I would find myself where I am.

Just a bit of history, I had my first mammogram in March of 2012 when I turned 40.  With no family history and being under 50 they said they would see me in 2 years so I was not even scheduled to go back until March of 2014.  We were in New York this summer for baseball and I found a lump on July 10th that didn't feel quite right.  I made a doctors appointment as soon as I got home and he confirmed the lump and sent me on to radiology for more tests.  I had a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound on August 1st and they determined that I needed a biopsy which was done on Friday August 2nd.  They said it would take a week to get the results but I got the call on Monday the 5th.... I had breast cancer.

I never thought this would be me!  

Needless to say the next 3 weeks were a total whirlwind!  Appointments with surgeons, radiologists, oncologist, geneticists and an endless chain of scans, MRI's, X rays and blood tests.  Exactly 3 weeks after my diagnosis on August 26th I had a double mastectomy and began to take charge of fighting this!    I did much better than I thought I would with the mastectomy I guess losing my boobs was not as tough as I thought it would be.  And as I noticed last night they are still bigger than Claire Daines as I far as I could tell at the Emmy's.

It was determined that I had Stage 2B grade 3 triple negative breast cancer.  At first being triple negative I thought was a good thing but I soon came to find out that it was was not.  What it means is that my type of cancer was not hormone driven and there was no medicine for it.  The only thing to treat it is Chemotherapy.  It is the most aggressive, fastest moving, most likely to reoccur and most likely to spread to other organs.  Thank goodness it was not in my lymph nodes though, so after surgery I was considered cancer free.... however I still needed to do chemo.  They needed to chase the one cancer cell that could still be out there that could pop up somewhere else.  Much like the odds of me getting cancer in the first place they need treat the odds that one cell was left behind.

I had my first Chemo treatment on September 18th and it was not that bad... the day of.  First I had to get a pic line put in the day before and it was horrible!  This is a line that will be in place throughout  treatment (until February) that goes from my right bicep up through a vein and drops in right above my heart to administer the chemo meds.  It took 3 attempts to get the line in and it was not a fun process at all.  What should have taken an hour or so ended up taking over 4 hours.

When I came home from Chemo I slept for about 4 hours and the next day was not that bad.  Once I was home I needed to take a hand full of pills 3 times a day to help with nausea and pain.  I really didn't start feeling anything until Friday the 20th when I had to also start taking a shot in addition to the pills.  The shot made me very sleepy so Friday was a lay low day.  I have to take the shot everyday for the next 7 days so I decided to take them at night.  I am so glad that the meds are working and I have not puked yet!  I don't know if it is coming but I'm just glad it's not here yet!

Saturday was a new day and a new set of issues... my hair!  It is not falling out yet but it will and my head is starting to hurt...  a lot!  It feels like my scalp is on fire and numb all at the same time.  I have started to put together a pretty big collection of beanies.  I don't thing I will be a wig girl but a beanie girl for sure!


A new day a new side effect... Sunday.... I can't taste anything.  It is so strange I can taste maybe the first half bite but that's it.  I have lost a little more than 5 lbs. in the past 10 days so I just need to keep up on my protein drinks to keep my strength up.

It has been unbelievable all of the amazing food that everyone has been bringing over.  It is truly overwhelming all of the support and thank you just does not seem like enough!  I have received so many beautiful flowers, goodies, fruit arrangements, gift cards, notes and calls.
 I hope you think this blog is a good idea... I know I am a very open person so there might be a bit more info than you were looking for.  I am going to try to update this at least a few times a week just to let you know what is going on and keep all posted.  I love you all and can't tell you how much all of the love and support has meant to me and my family!