I love the holidays

Today was a great day!!!!  I am beginning to love Saturdays. they are becoming my best day, even better than Tuesdays.  I feel the most normal and not bouncing off the walls, not a lot of nausea or have the gloom of chemo the next day hanging over my head.  Today I was able to go shopping with my girl and just hang out.  We were busy doing last minute things for the holidays and just hanging out… it was great.

I am starting to get tired of the beanie look and feel.  When Avery and I were at lunch today I even took it off and was BALD for the entire lunch.  It is a little freeing and a little un-nerving at the same time.  When I am with the kids and take the bean off I tell the kids to look around and see if anyone is staring at me because I feel like EVERYONE is.  I just get a little tired of always wearing something on my head and I know I will never wear a wig, it's just not me.  It's so funny sometimes when I go out in the real world and see people I know…. they don't know me.  My hair was such a part of "my look" they have no idea who I am.  Peter and I went out to dinner last night and saw a few people and it took them a minute to recognize me.  I totally get it but it is just funny to have to reintroduce yourself sometimes.  It makes me laugh to think of what they would think if I was just out there, bald and beautiful!  As Kyle just said, "mom, you look better than me, and I look pretty good."

So since I didn't post anything after my last treatment I will get you caught up.  I had another reaction, although I am getting much better at recognizing them so it didn't get too far.  They still had to push the hydrocortisone and stop the meds but at least my heart rate and blood pressure stopped shy of through the roof.  It is kind of a mystery as to why I still am having reactions to the chemo. They have slowed it down so much which makes my days so long but I still am having a tough time.  The nausea is still really bad, half of Wednesday, Thursday and Friday are the worst.  I really don't want to take additional meds because they all come with their own set of side effects but I don't know if 7 more weeks of this is something I want to deal with either.

Sleeping has become a bit of a luxury these days.  I seem to take a nap a few days a week for an hour or so but as far as sleeping through the night, I can't remember the last time I did that.  Other than Monday and Tuesday nights I tend to fall asleep around 11 and wake up around 2.  Sometimes I fall asleep again around 3 but by 5:30 I am up for the day.  It is like a little game I play with myself and try and guess what time it is before I look at the clock.

Well I don't know if I will get another post in before Christmas so just in case, I hope you have a very happy holiday with your friends and family!  I want each of you to know how much you mean to me and how thankful I am to have you in my life!  As I have said before I have been and continue to be overwhelmed with the amount of love and support I feel everyday.  I truly feel the prayers and love you have sent my way and I don't know how to thank you enough!  I truly hope you have a very Merry Christmas!

I think I am getting the hang of this...

I seem to be getting the hang of the whole chemo cycle, not that I like it but at least I can prepare better.  Monday is day 1 and I spend at least 8 hours at the doctor getting a dressing change and meeting with the Oncologist, but most of the time is spent sitting in a chair getting pumped with posion watching movies or surfing Pinterest.  Then I am home and "resting" for the rest of the day.  Day 2, Tuesday I fell a bit like a super hero, like I can do anything.  With the meds and the steroids I hurt a bit, but I have so much energy I might as well get stuff done.  Tuesday night I won't sleep at all so it is more Pinterest or try and catch up on my TV shows.  Wednesday is my in-between day, where I feel okay the first half of the day but the last half is not so great.  This is when my nauseousness really starts to set in and the next 3-4 days will be much of the same.  I think my hardest day is Thursday for sure, so I really try to lay low and stay away form everyone. It is my hardest day for my steroids and lets just say I am not the most pleasant person to be around.  Friday is much of a turn around day for me and by Saturday and Sunday I am feeling more human.  With all of that said and Christmas coming I am so happy that Christmas Eve is going to fall on a Tuesday so I can get everything done.  

I have to be honest with you, I am really getting sick of this whole thing.  All the doctors appointments and spending an entire day at the hospital every week.  I can't wait to get my life back!  Just typing that sounds so stupid!  I am so thankful that I was able to catch the cancer so early, and that I was able to jump on the process of beating it.  I don't know why I was not more worried about the outcome.  I had a gut feeling from the beginning, from the day I felt the lump that it was going to be cancer but that I was going to be fine.  It just makes me wonder why I have to go through all of the chemo and waiting for reconstruction. The more I hear about others who have the same cancer as me and they have less than half the number of treatments and were able to start reconstruction right away.  It is such a strange place to be.  On one hand I feel so guilty that I have had such an "easy" time with this process and things have gone so smoothly.  But on the other hand annoyed that my treatment seems to be so much more than others.  All I know is I want it over so I can get back to being …me.

I really am looking forward to Christmas Eve because as most of you know I LOVE to entertain and I have not been able to do much of that.  It will be so nice to have the house filled with family and friends and just to spend time together.  As always thanks for all the love and support!

Steroids...

       Steroids are a funny thing.  The first day I take them I can't sleep at all, it is a strange feeling because I am so tired from the Chemo treatment but at the same time so restless from the steroids.  The next day I still feel like I have so much energy that I can do anything.  The only problem is that the other meds I am taking make my body ache so much that I go back and forth of moments of greatness to feeling like I just want to crawl into bed.  I think I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep last night even with taking and Ambien.  Tonight I hope to get at least 4-5 and then the next few days I will spend a lot of time sleeping so I guess it all evens out in the wash.  I have decided that the best way to deal with it is to just stay as busy as possible and "just keep swimming."  I find that the busier I am the more I get done and just need to push through.  I think this works for me because I know what is coming, the next 3 days are going to suck and I won't be able to get anything done or at least a lot less than I did today.  

       The other great part about steroids is the rage.  It is pretty amazing how things that would normally just roll off my back now make me want to lash out at the drop of a hat.  It is like having an out of body experience and I have no control over what is coming out of my mouth and I wonder who is this person yelling at everyone.  As I found myself lashing out at the clerk today at a store that has a policy of not giving refunds only store credit if you decide you want to return an item you paid cash for 72 hours earlier and you have the original receipt.  Lets just say I won't be shopping at Active anytime soon and I'm pretty sure I have been blacklisted from that store now after my outburst.  The biggest issue I have is that I have such a short fuze with my hubby and kids and I don't like that at all.  It's like I am 10 steps behind my mouth and can't catch what is coming out of my mouth until it is too late. 

       With the holidays coming up I just need to learn to take a deep breath before I react to anything.  For those of you who know me that is much easier said than done because I am such a control freak, but it needs to happen.  Maybe this is a good exercise for me to learn to not be such a freak.  Christmas Eve will be a good test for me as we will have 20+ people this year.  I always host it but this year I am going to have to learn to let go and let others do more for me.  I am so thankful that I have so much help to make the holidays as special as they can be!  The good news is that they are all family and know how much of a control freak I am so they know what they are getting into, I hope ;o)

Half Way!!!

       So today was my 4th treatment of this cocktail and my 8th overall so that means that I am HALFWAY!!!!! I am so glad!  The bonus for today was that I didn't have a major reaction.  It was a very long day though because they slowed down the medicine to make sure I didn't have one.  They also added an additional premed to help with the reaction and still kept the steroid at the double dose as well as the anti reaction med at the max.  It all seemed to do the trick but I was there for over 7 hours.  I am beginning to feel the compound effects of the aches and soreness they talked about so I am moving pretty slow.  I was able to "watch" 2 movies during treatment, I doze a lot, Lana keep a look out for your return package, I hope to get it in the mail tomorrow.  I wanted to watch Love Actually but was not sure about the inappropriate parts when they have the nude scenes so that my have to be an at home movie.

       I am felling okay, I still have my issues with not sleeping and the nausea is pretty much 24/7.  They want to give me more steroids to manage the nausea but I really don't want to take them because the side effects are so horrid!  I will need to get another scan once I am done with Chemo to take a look at the spot that they found on my liver (not sure if I mentioned that already).  When they first did all of my scans before my surgery they saw something on my liver but it was so small that they just wanted to watch it.  I will keep you posted on when that scan is scheduled for.
     
       Well it is official, I am 100% DONE with my Christmas and December Birthday shopping!  I went shopping last night with my mom and sister-in-law and got the last few things I needed.  One of my favorite stores has a big event in December that I like to go to and I got all the last minute things I needed.  It is a ton of fun with food, drinks, dessert, and live bands…. such a fun night!  I was also able to get the Christmas decorations up over the past few days and I feel much better about my progress.  It seems to all be coming together and we will get the lights up on the house tomorrow, I hope if the wind dies down a bit.  I was even able to get all the Christmas cards done and they will be going out tomorrow.  As least with all the cold weather it is feeling more like Christmas and I'm not the only one bundled up in a scarf and bean.

       On treatment days it really gives me a lot of time to think about what I am going through as I sit in the treatment room with all the other baldies. I get to focus on just me and be with all my own thoughts.  I get to talk with my doctor to discuss the next steps and understand what I can do to get through all of this in the best possible way.  As much as I say I have cancer and say that it has or is sinking in I don't know if it really is.  I don't feel sick other then when I am in treatment and all of its side effects.  Sometimes I wonder why I am doing all of this and how I just want to get back to life.  I just need to focus on the next 8 weeks and know there is a huge light at the end of the tunnel.

       As always thank you to all of you for all the love and support!  It is nice to know you are all there!

It's been a while

I know it has been a while since my last post but with the Thanksgiving holiday it has been a little busy.  We traveled to Orange County for family and what else… a baseball tournament.  I had my second treatment of my new cocktail and I had my first major reaction.  My doctor said I am a bit of a medical mystery because this treatment is suppose to be less invasive than the last one but I seem to be having a harder time with this one.  I get nauseas more often, I am not sleeping at all, I get really flush and warm but am freezing at the same time.  I have had a major reaction 2 of the last 3 treatments.  A major reaction works like this, once I get my pre-meds of my steroid, anti-allergy meds and anti-nausea meds they start the "cocktail".  A few minutes into the chemo starting I get really flush, can't breathe, my heart rate and blood pressure go way up and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.  I then have 4-5 nurses all around me stopping the meds, checking my vitals, pushing more anti-alergy meds in my IV and asking me a ton of questions.  It is just strange how I didn't have any reaction the first time I had this chemo but have had issues the last 2.  I still have 9 more of these to go so they are going to try to slow down the pace of the meds as well as increase my pre-meds to hopefully counter the reaction I am having.

The past week was filled with a lot of activity.  I was able to make it to the Justin Timberlake concert with my oldest son (luckily it was on a Tuesday, which is a good day).  It was an amazing show and a great first concert for him but most of all a great mom and son date night.  Then it was off to San Diego for Thanksgiving with family.  It was so nice just to be able to relax with the family and enjoy some great food although I still can't taste anything, it smelled amazing!  After Thanksgiving we spent the rest of the long weekend down at the beach and the weather was so great.  Nothing like 75 degree weather and gorgeous ocean views to make you forget that you have cancer.  We spent the next 2 days at the baseball fields where my son had the great opportunity to play on the same team with his cousin.  They had such a good time and actually won the tournament. 

Today was a good day, as Tuesdays usually are.  I was able to get some of my Christmas decorations out with the help of my mom and brother.  I am still really behind on a lot of things, I still need to take the picture for are Christmas card and then order the cards so just know they are on there way…they may just be a little late this year.  Tomorrow I have a couple of girlfriends coming over to help me get the rest of my decorations up and to wrap the gifts that I have so far.  Right now all I know is my living room and dining room are covered in boxes and I need to get them out!

The next few days are typically my most difficult and I hope to sleep tonight.  The doctor said that sleeping may be tough because they increased my steroids and that is one of the side effects.  I hope to get more than the 3 hours I got last night.