Steroids...

       Steroids are a funny thing.  The first day I take them I can't sleep at all, it is a strange feeling because I am so tired from the Chemo treatment but at the same time so restless from the steroids.  The next day I still feel like I have so much energy that I can do anything.  The only problem is that the other meds I am taking make my body ache so much that I go back and forth of moments of greatness to feeling like I just want to crawl into bed.  I think I may have gotten 2 hours of sleep last night even with taking and Ambien.  Tonight I hope to get at least 4-5 and then the next few days I will spend a lot of time sleeping so I guess it all evens out in the wash.  I have decided that the best way to deal with it is to just stay as busy as possible and "just keep swimming."  I find that the busier I am the more I get done and just need to push through.  I think this works for me because I know what is coming, the next 3 days are going to suck and I won't be able to get anything done or at least a lot less than I did today.  

       The other great part about steroids is the rage.  It is pretty amazing how things that would normally just roll off my back now make me want to lash out at the drop of a hat.  It is like having an out of body experience and I have no control over what is coming out of my mouth and I wonder who is this person yelling at everyone.  As I found myself lashing out at the clerk today at a store that has a policy of not giving refunds only store credit if you decide you want to return an item you paid cash for 72 hours earlier and you have the original receipt.  Lets just say I won't be shopping at Active anytime soon and I'm pretty sure I have been blacklisted from that store now after my outburst.  The biggest issue I have is that I have such a short fuze with my hubby and kids and I don't like that at all.  It's like I am 10 steps behind my mouth and can't catch what is coming out of my mouth until it is too late. 

       With the holidays coming up I just need to learn to take a deep breath before I react to anything.  For those of you who know me that is much easier said than done because I am such a control freak, but it needs to happen.  Maybe this is a good exercise for me to learn to not be such a freak.  Christmas Eve will be a good test for me as we will have 20+ people this year.  I always host it but this year I am going to have to learn to let go and let others do more for me.  I am so thankful that I have so much help to make the holidays as special as they can be!  The good news is that they are all family and know how much of a control freak I am so they know what they are getting into, I hope ;o)