Pros and Cons

Okay so over the past 3+ months I have had a lot of changes some bad and some with a positive spin I have placed on them.  I thought I would make a list so in 20 years from now I can look back at it and have a laugh.

Con: I have no boobs
Pro: I can actually use the front breast pocket of my button down shirts to hold my phone.
Pro: I am saving a ton of money and not needing to buy new bras.
Pro: I get a brand new pair next year.
Pro: All of my shirts fit so nicely now.

Con: I am freezing all the time because I have no hair to cover my neck.
Pro: I get to wear a ton of cute scarves all the time.

Con: I have no hair.
Pro: It only takes me 30 minutes to shower and get ready for the day.

Con: I can't taste anything
Pro: I can taste double bubble for the first 30 seconds and never know when the flavor is out of it which is actually at 45 seconds.

Con: My eyelashes have started to fall out and are coming out quick.
Pro: I don't have any clumps when I put mascara on the few lashes I have left.

Con: My eyebrows are coming out almost as fast as my eyelashes
Pro: I get to draw in my eyebrows in whatever shape I like and don't have to get them waxed.

Con: I am felling more nauseous with this cocktail than the last one.
Pro: I don't eat as much.

Con: I have to take steroids with this new cocktail and can expect to gain 20+ pounds.
Pro: See pro above.

Con: Some days I am so tired and out of it I don't want to get out of bed.
Pro: I don't have to get out of bed!

Con: I have so much Christmas and birthday shopping to do.
Pro: I am becoming a pro at online shopping.

Con: Did I mention I have no boobs
Pro: I get new ones for free, I think I would have rather paid for them.

So you see there are some pros to this whole cancer thing, it all depends on how you look at it.

The same but different.

So I am on day 3 after treatment and it has not been too bad.  Yesterday was a bit tough and I had some pretty severe nausea.  I only got sick once last night but today has just been a constant light state of nausea.  I have been taking my meds more often to help with how I feel but they are not working the best.  I am really hopeful that next week will be different because of Thanksgiving.  Speaking of Thanksgiving just when I thought my taste couldn't get worse, it has.  I still can't taste anything but now when I do eat anything it has a very metallic taste and everything just tastes bad.  I find myself chewing a lot of gum to help with the taste because I even have the bad taste when I am not eating.  I have read that using plastic utensils can help so I have started using those as well.



I am not as tired but not feeling well makes me not want to do anything, so I rest a lot.  As much as I hate knowing that I have to go to treatment every week it is kind of nice to know that every week I am one week closer to being done with all of this.  I have 11 more treatments and I really hope to have it down to a science as far as how I will feel on which days so I can plan as much as possible.  I have been doing a lot of online shopping for the holidays and birthdays we have coming up trying to stay on top of all of it.  I did get a couple of fun packages in the mail this week (thank you Erin, Lana and Aunt Diane) they really put a smile on my face.  I love the new beanies and the movies, which I will be saving for treatment.  The fun beanies that my Aunt made will have to make an appearance in a Christmas picture for sure, they are so fun and the kids love them!



Days like today I just feel blah.  Not really motivated to do anything, I only hope that next Thursday I have more energy.

Good news!!!

       I had my first treatment yesterday of my new meds and so far so good.  The first day after treatment has always been a good day for me and then I seem to hit a wall on day 2-5 so keep your fingers crossed that this new "cocktail" is not as tough as the last.  Treatment went well and I got some GREAT NEWS!!!  I don't have to take my shot any longer, I was so happy I almost cried!  She said that it was only needed during the "Kool-aid" phase and now that I am done with that I don't have to take it any longer.  You have no idea how excited I was.  She did tell me however that there are a new set of side effects that come with the new meds.  I will most likely get neuropathy that is when your fingers and toes get tingling in them like when they "fall asleep" and you wiggle them to "wake" them up.  My bone pain should lessen in such an isolated area but will continue more all over, only not as bad and I will start getting muscle aches all over as well, kind of like when you have the flu and are achey.  My most favorite (not really) new side effect is that I have to start taking steroids and I can plan on gaining weight, from what I have read anywhere from 10-30 lbs.  Ugh!!!! Really that is not what I wanted to hear at all.  I have worked so hard to get where I am and keeping the 100+ pounds off that I lost over 2 years ago.  I can only hope that this too is just temporary and this time next year all will be back to normal.

       My treatment was about 6 hours this week and hopefully next week will drop to a little over 5 and then go to 4 1/2 for the last 9.  I get 3 pre meds and then a large bag of chemo after that.  I didn't get a picture of it but will next week.  I was too distracted by a family in the treatment area that I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at.  It was a mom and her 2 daughters (both in there 40's).  They first caught my ear because they were so loud but what kept my attention was how the girls were talking to their mom.  They kept talking to her like a baby… no joke.  "You're okay mommy, don't be sad mommy, I'll hold your hand mommy, sit right here mommy."  Then they both would squat next to her and pet her like a dog.  One of the daughters stayed with her for her entire treatment and talked to her like that the whole time.  The little old man sitting across from them was so funny to watch and tried really hard to hide his laughing at them.  At one point one of the nurses (my favorite one) came over to me and asked if they were kidding, she said she felt like she was being filmed it was so funny.  I finally put my headphones on and fell asleep for a couple of hours.  When I woke up they were still going at it.

The 2 weeks from hell after my last treatment ended on a high note and we were able to have a fun weekend on a family outing.  We took the kids to a really good pizza place in Wes Hollywood and then headed down to the Grove for some shopping.  The kids love going down there to shop, see the fountains and get a yummy treat at the farmers market.  As my daughter calls it, it's like Disneyland for adults.  It was the night before the Christmas tree lighting so it was fun to see all the decorations and the stage all set up for the big show.  Speaking of shopping, I have made quite a dent in my Christmas shopping, I am about half done and am almost done with my kids as well.  I love to get done early because I tend to spend less and and can make sure I am not scrambling at the last minute.  It also helps because I have so many birthdays right around the holidays as well between my dad, husband and son on the 23rd, 26th and 27th.

I have had so many visitors and so many people thinking of me.  I love to read all of the sweet comments and messages.  It is funny though I just don't feel like talking about all that I am going through.  When I first found out I did talk and talked a lot but now I almost feel like I am just tired of talking and I don't really know why.  I don't know how I am suppose to feel and sometimes I almost feel guilty that I am not more "down" both physically and mentally.  Trust me I don't want to go where I was a week or so ago and I have always been such an upbeat person, I don't want to lessen what I am going through or seem ungrateful I just don't want to give cancer so much power over me and who I am.  Thank you to all of you for all the love and support, that is what gets me through everyday!!!!

Painful days

Sometimes the pain is so unbearable!  I don't know what to do or how to fix it.  The past 3 days have been filled with so much pain, I even described it as being as bad as child birth.  Friday night was the worst of it, my bones in my pelvis and thigh hurt so bad I only slept a few hours and I was in tears most of the night.  I started taking the pain meds on Thursday and actually took 2 on Friday.  I hate taking them because they make me so loopy and just knock me out.  When I wake up I am good for about 30 minutes and then have to lay down and that is where I stay most of the day.  I can't believe how much pain I am in sometimes and I can't imagine being like this for the next 3 months.  They give me meds (my shots) to take days 3-10 after treatment to push out as many white blood cells as I can. This is what causes my bones to hurt so bad.  On Saturday I actually stood and talked to myself in the mirror about whether or not to take my shot I was hurting so much, I just can't think about what this all means for the next 3 months.  I start my next treatment on Monday, and go once a week until February and if I follow the same treatment plan I will be on my shots everyday for the next 3 months and I just can't do that!!!!

Cold seems to help more than heat so I sit with a cold pack on my back for what seems like hours everyday, but I eventually need to get up and move.  Today was the first day I actually felt human and ventured out with my mom, but needed to stop and sit every 10 minutes or so.  Sometimes I think this is karma coming back to bite me in the ass because I was so fixated on how old and slow everyone seemed in the oncology department, now I know why, they all were feeling like I do now!

As usual on days 10-14 after treatment my mouth hurts so bad that I hate to even talk.  I'm so sorry if you see me and I don't seem like I am very talkative but it just hurts so much and it makes me so grumpy (just ask my husband and kids).  I still use my numbing mouthwash a few times a day and drink a ton of tea to help, but the pain is so constant.  One thing I might do is make one of those paper chains we made as kids. It can be a visual of how many days I have left of this nightmare process so at least I have something to look forward to and a way to mark off the days.

Things on my list to talk to the doctor about next week include; pain management, meds after future treatments, lack of sleep, white blood cell count and supplements to take during the next phase of treatment.  I can only hope that she has some good news for me.

As always love you and thanks so much for the support!

14 hours…. really

Well over the past few days I have learned that even though the doctor said that I may not feel the effects compound throughout my treatment that is not the case for me.  I decided yesterday to listen to my body and rest when I needed to.  It seems that my best day is the day after treatment but the worst are the next 3 days.  I spent 14 hours in bed yesterday and I feel so guilty about it!  I am just so tired and my bones hurt so bad.  I know that the medicine I am taking for my white blood cell count is working because I hurt so much.  The medicine works to push more white blood cells out of my bone marrow but the side effect is that my bones hurt and they hurt a lot!  Mainly in the large bones like my femur or hips so it hurts to get up and walk a lot!!!  The doctor did give me pain meds but they just make me so tired and out of it, I hate to take them at all.

I get sad when I have to rest so much because I hate to have to have my kids and hubby see me like this and I hate not being able to do anything and have to have things done for me.  I get sad that I can't be the mom that can help with homework, or work on projects or get my kids to and from practice and games and have to depend so much on others.  Peter is and has been so amazing throughout this whole process and I don't know what I would do with out him!  Some of you may know this song but I thought I would put the link in just in case, it hits very close to home for me!

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iyU4S7yHFo

Next week is my last week with no treatment until mid-February and I am trying to plan as many things as I can but don't know if I will be able to do it all.  I just want to get things done before I have to start treatment every week.  With the holidays coming up I am trying to get as much shopping done as I can because I just don't know what I will be able to do.  I just want to keep things as "normal" as I can!

We are winding down with football for the boys so at least that will be one thing off the activity list starting next week.  However baseball, volleyball and basketball will be starting soon so it will be short lived I'm sure.  I can only hope and pray that the next cocktail will not be as hard on me and I can begin to be a mom again.

As always thank you for all the love and support!  Love to you all!

Feeling grateful!

     


I know it has been almost a week since my last post and I have been resting a lot and trying to get things done when I have the strength to do so.  Even though Peter and the kids know I need to rest and tell me to do it as much as they can it is also not normal for me and I'm sure it is odd to see me "down" so much.  My white blood cell count was up to 3.2 yesterday so I was able to do my treatment and I was so glad that I was able to.  I know it may sound weird to be thankful I was able to have red poison pumped through my body but it was my last one of this cocktail so I am done with the "Kool-Aid" yea!!!!  My next treatment is set for the Monday the 18th and then I will start going every Monday until MY BIRTHDAY!!!!  My last treatment is actually on my birthday!  That is as long as I don't have any more delays.

       I am still so overwhelmed with gratitude with all of the calls, text, cards, gifts and emails.  I received the most thoughtful gift in the mail from an old high school friend.  It really touched me that so many people are thinking of me.  An entire pee wee football team, of which I know only 2 players were all wearing pink for me and sent me a team picture!  Thanks so much to Rob and his boys Robbie and Darren!  I love hearing all of the stories from people who are reading my blog as well.  It is so amazing to me that people I don't even know are reading it and it is reaching so many.  I heard from another old friend who was talking to her doctor about mammograms and the nurse she was talking to actual knew of my blog and said she was reading it all the way in Idaho… thanks Kelly your story was so crazy!

       I am so grateful and surprised by the continued support.  I know we are all busy and we all live busy lives that's why it always puts a smile on my face when I get a note or little something to brighten my day.  I expected it all to fade away by now but I should have known that, the same circle of friends and family who rallied around me in the beginning would stick by me and still be there today!  I can't tell you all how much I love you and am so thankful for all of you.  I also am so grateful for the ones who have come out of the woodwork that I have not talked to in so long both near and far.  If nothing else my Christmas card list has grown by leaps and bounds this year!!!

Halloween was a huge success at our house, it was so nice to see all the kids and friends who stopped by for a visit.  The kids all had a great time and we even had a few cousins over to go trick or treating as well so it was a great night with a TON of candy!  I think the kids brought home more candy than we passed out this year.  I expect the next few days will be much like last time so I am trying to prepare myself as much as I can.  Thanks as always for all the love and support!  Love to you all!!!