Moving forward

Well I have been back at work for 2 weeks now and everyday gets a little better.  I still get tired a lot and feel like I am constantly a step or two behind.  It's funny how you get so used to being so busy all the time and when you get out of the habit of being on the run you wonder how you got it all done.  I have always said that the busier I was the more I got done, I just hope my energy levels get back to where I can allow myself to be that busy again soon.

I still am in quite a bit of pain, my joints and muscles are so sore, like I had a really hard workout the day before.  There really does not seem to be anything that relieves the pain so I just try to grin and bare it and hope it gets better soon.  My hair is coming back slowly...I am still in a bean all day everyday and it will be interesting to see when I decide to go without.  I don't think it will be any time soon.  My hair is coming back nothing like it was before, it is straight!  I don't get it really, everyone I talked to said their hair came back curly so I really don't know what to make of this.  It is also is a lot lighter, who knows what it will look like in a month but I hope it starts to curl soon because I really don't know what to do with straight hair.

I have heard back on all of my scans and they have all come back clear.  The only thing I am dealing with is some fluid around my heart that they will monitor every 30 days.  They call it a thickening and say it is caused by the Taxol which was the type of Chemo meds for my last 12 treatments.  My doctor says that I still am a medical mystery because the joint and muscle pain usually comes during treatment not after and that the thickening is caused by a different type of Taxol.  All I know is nothing with me seems to be normal and I just take it as it comes.

My biggest issue still seems to be between my ears.  I attended another memorial service for a friend this past weekend and the guilt is still there.  Even though it wasn't the same type of cancer it still makes no sense to me why things happen the way that they do.  I know I just need to keep moving forward and make them all proud but most days that is easier said than done.

I have had a few appointments to begin my reconstruction and as much as I know I want to do it, it is a very strange place I find myself.  Having never been a girl who needed to think about cc's I just have a tough time envisioning what the end result will be.  I have a lot of friends who have gotten some "girls" and they all look great!  I think if you choose to get them you have a certain mind set and it is a choice.  Having always had them it has been kind of nice not having them but I know that I will feel much better when I have one less thing that screams I have breast cancer, not to mention when I go to put a bathing suit on this summer.  I have what will be the first of 3 procedures on April 28th.  I hope to be done with all of them by August.

I know I have not been posting as many updates, I guess it is just a reflection of the speed things are now happening.  I still am hearing from many of you and feel all of your support every day.  Thank you for all that you do both seen and unseen.  Love to you all!!

Return to a new normal

I know it has been a while since my last post, sorry about that.  I had my scan done 2 weeks ago and all is good and last week I had an EKG done as the last test before my appointment with my Oncologist next week.  I will get the results of the EKG tomorrow.  Peter and I snuck away for a few days up to Carmel and it was so nice not to "have" to be anywhere.  We spent most of the time walking through town, on the beach or trying to catch up on movies before the Oscars.  We saw Nebraska, American Hustle and Wolf of Wall Street.

I am going back to work this week and it will be nice to get back at it and get back to my busy life but I wonder what it will be like to wear a suit with a beanie.... I guess I will find out soon enough.  I am going to ease my way back into the daily grind and concentrate on only part of my area at first but I am sure I will be sucked back in soon enough.  I also am getting back in the swing of the balance between home and work as well as well as all the kids activities and getting dinner on the table as well.  I really do love a busy life so its a very good thing for me.

I have begun the process of my reconstruction and the one thing I have learned is that this is going to take some time.  After dealing with the speed of cancer and all of my treatments it is a bit strange to be dealing with the other side and me having to the proactive one.  It is a whole new world to me and I have a lot of research ahead of me.  They say that the side effects from chemo can last up to 6 months after you stop treatment, luckily most of mine have begun to subside.  I am beginning to get my taste back a bit, some days are better

than others.  The last couple of days I have felt like I have had a bit more energy but it seems to come and go, I am still not sleeping as well as I did before this all started but it is getting a little better.  My hair is starting to grow again and now I really feel like I look like someone with cancer.  It is coming back SLOWLY and is still pretty light, funny thing is it is pretty straight too. I am in quite a bit of pain in my joints and I originally thought it was because of all the walking I have been doing but the pain is not only in my knees.  The pain seems to be worst in my finger joints and elbows but spreads to my back, shoulders and legs.  I am beginning to get my taste back a bit, some days are better than others.  The last couple of days I have felt like I have had a bit more energy but it seems to come and go, I am still not sleeping as well as I did before this all started but it is getting a little better.  My hair is starting to grow again and now I really feel like I look like someone with cancer.  It is coming back SLOWLY and is still pretty light, funny thing is it is pretty straight too.

My biggest side effect seems to be between my ears.  I have now lost 3 friends to this ugly thing called cancer and I struggle with the survivors guilt every day.  I constantly find myself asking why them and not me.  These friends were all strong, lively people who had a great outlook on life were very upbeat and positive and fought hard.  It just makes no sense to me at all.  It makes me so sad and can't imagine what their families, but mostly there kids and spouses, are dealing with right now.  My heart aches to think about it and my thoughts wonder to what if I were in there shoes.  I get so sad to go to that place and think how my family would be dealing with it all and it just makes me so sad.

I continue to feel better, its funny that I didn't realize how crumby I felt, truly bad,
even before I was diagnosed.  Now that I am feeling better I can look back and see the signs of how bad I was feeling but just chalked it up to being a tired mom just like all of my friends.  Thank you all for all of the continued support and as I draw closer to my ned surgery I will keep you posted but maybe with a little less detail.....LOL.