Moving forward

Well I have been back at work for 2 weeks now and everyday gets a little better.  I still get tired a lot and feel like I am constantly a step or two behind.  It's funny how you get so used to being so busy all the time and when you get out of the habit of being on the run you wonder how you got it all done.  I have always said that the busier I was the more I got done, I just hope my energy levels get back to where I can allow myself to be that busy again soon.

I still am in quite a bit of pain, my joints and muscles are so sore, like I had a really hard workout the day before.  There really does not seem to be anything that relieves the pain so I just try to grin and bare it and hope it gets better soon.  My hair is coming back slowly...I am still in a bean all day everyday and it will be interesting to see when I decide to go without.  I don't think it will be any time soon.  My hair is coming back nothing like it was before, it is straight!  I don't get it really, everyone I talked to said their hair came back curly so I really don't know what to make of this.  It is also is a lot lighter, who knows what it will look like in a month but I hope it starts to curl soon because I really don't know what to do with straight hair.

I have heard back on all of my scans and they have all come back clear.  The only thing I am dealing with is some fluid around my heart that they will monitor every 30 days.  They call it a thickening and say it is caused by the Taxol which was the type of Chemo meds for my last 12 treatments.  My doctor says that I still am a medical mystery because the joint and muscle pain usually comes during treatment not after and that the thickening is caused by a different type of Taxol.  All I know is nothing with me seems to be normal and I just take it as it comes.

My biggest issue still seems to be between my ears.  I attended another memorial service for a friend this past weekend and the guilt is still there.  Even though it wasn't the same type of cancer it still makes no sense to me why things happen the way that they do.  I know I just need to keep moving forward and make them all proud but most days that is easier said than done.

I have had a few appointments to begin my reconstruction and as much as I know I want to do it, it is a very strange place I find myself.  Having never been a girl who needed to think about cc's I just have a tough time envisioning what the end result will be.  I have a lot of friends who have gotten some "girls" and they all look great!  I think if you choose to get them you have a certain mind set and it is a choice.  Having always had them it has been kind of nice not having them but I know that I will feel much better when I have one less thing that screams I have breast cancer, not to mention when I go to put a bathing suit on this summer.  I have what will be the first of 3 procedures on April 28th.  I hope to be done with all of them by August.

I know I have not been posting as many updates, I guess it is just a reflection of the speed things are now happening.  I still am hearing from many of you and feel all of your support every day.  Thank you for all that you do both seen and unseen.  Love to you all!!