A bit of an adjustment

The past week has been a good one.  One filled with lots of time with family but also lots of time to just be, and think.  I definitely have good days and bad days, and I try not to get sad.  The biggest issue I have had lately is I get sad when I am out doing things with my family and especially my kids.  I let the fear creep in and rob me of the joy I should be feeling in the moment.  Fear of not being there with them or for them.  Not being able to cheer them on or be the first one to give them a big hug when the day doesn't go the way they wanted it to.  I find myself fighting back tears like I am on some sort of farewell tour.  My only hope is that I can be like KISS and have an endless career and go on 5 farewell tours or more.   I need to get back to my place of positivity and focus on the good, like my pain not being as bad and the meds doing what they should be doing.  I also need to remember that it all takes time, time to let the meds to their job, and time for me to rest and recover after treatment.  I can either spend my time being sad and feeling sorry for myself or I can spend it being happy and enjoying every minute of every day with the people I love, the energy exerted is the same it's just how I choose to spend it.

For the New Year we did some really fun activities down at the beach and were able to go whale watching.  It was a GORGEOUS day on the water and we were able to see a mama whale with her 3 week old calf as well as a very pregnant whale on her way south to give birth in warmer waters.  The kids were even able to lay on their stomachs on the net in the middle of the catamaran and actually pet the dolphins as they swam with us under the boat.  It was so nice just to sit on the back of the boat with the warm sun on my face and watch my family as they had so much fun on the look out for whales and dolphins.  We actually saw a few hundred dolphins throughout the trip.

I met with my pain management doctors last week and they have changed them yet again.  One of the side effects of the chemo I am on is that the soles of my feet and the palms of my hands can get very red, almost purple and it sometimes hurts to walk even a few steps.  So, they have added a new pain med for me to take at night to help, and it seems to working.  I am still taking pain meds in addition to the pain patch I have.  They really would like me to take less of the pain pills for "break through" pain throughout the day.  They have increased the amount of meds in my patch and that has seemed to help and I am taking less pain medicine throughout the day which is good... I guess, even though it is more like a wash in my mind.

This next week, I am going to CHOOSE to stay positive and focus on healing.  I have a doctors appointment with my oncologist so we can talk about the timing of the clinical trial as well as my current chemo and bone infusion.  I will let you know how it goes.  I do know they will be changing the meds I am taking for my bone infusion because I am having such a bad reaction to the treatment the first 48 hours.  I have had 2 infusions and both times I have spiked a fever upwards of 104 while at the same time shivering and feeling so cold. Not to mention I am no fun to be around either.  It is such a weird sensation to be  hot but so cold at the same time.  It only lasts for two days, so as long as I know it is coming, what is causing it, and that it won't last long I'm okay. I hope the change in medication will lessen the side effects.  We ended the week with a great dinner with great friends.  It is so nice to be able visit and laugh with everyone.  We have been spending so much time with friends, it's been so fun, a lot of dinners, lunches and just time together.  I can't tell you how much you all mean to me and how your positivity, support and prayers continue to give me strength and motivation to move forward everyday.