Guilt

Guilt is a funny thing....  I find myself with a lot of guilt these days.  Not all guilt is bad but I think most of the time it is.  I have guilt over my time, how often I say no to things,  all of the things that I should be doing but I'm not or can't.  I have guilt that I can't do as much with my kids or for my husband.  I have guilt that my journey seems to be going so well. I have guilt that I eat chocolate all the time.  I have guilt that I am on my way to being a survivor.  I have guilt that I nap almost everyday and that I snap at my kids when they wake me up because they "didn't know I was sleeping", really me laying on the couch with my eyes closed wasn't a giveaway?  So much guilt is not good for a person and I really need to get over it!

Lets start with good guilt.... chocolate.  I think it is the texture and smoothness of it that I like even though I can't taste it.  I like it with almonds so the little hershey nuggets with almonds are my favorite right now.  Naps, thats a good guilt too.  I have never been a napper but I find myself napping almost every day, it still surprises me that I can nap for 2 hours and then still sleep at night so well, Ambien helps as well.  Even though I only have 4 treatments left each one is a mountain I still have to climb.  I still am getting new side effects after all of this time and it is not a fun one.  The Taxol I am on is causing severe dryness in my nose, it feels like my nose is burning and swollen all the time. I am using a moisture spray but it really does not deal with the pain.

The worst type of quilt is survivor guilt.  Even though I am not out of the woods and still have 4 treatments to go and a few scans to get through, I feel like I am well on my way to calling myself a survivor.  But then the guilt begins to creep in.  I find myself asking for the first time, why me.  Why was I so lucky and why did I find it so early?  Why was it not in my nymph nodes and why has it not spread yet?  I try to remember that God has a plan and this is all part of it for me and I need to listen to that still small voice inside of me and push forward with a strong will and positive outlook.  I need to remember all the people who I have meet along this journey who are no longer with me each week at chemo and fight for them and keep the ones who continue to fight still it my prayers everyday!!!!  I need to remember God's plan and not ask questions and just focus on what needs to get done.  That all sounds so good until reality sets in and I am smacked square in the face with someone who is struggling and I begin to cry.  Cry for the hurt they feel, the pain in their hearts but most of all the looming sense of loss.  I don't even have to see them really just the people I know it is effecting.  I don't have words at all, which is shocking in itself.

I love you Cindee and Lori and I know you  and your family will find many blessings in your journey.  Please know I pray for you and your families daily for serenity, love but most of all peace!   Love to you all!