They say there are stages of grief and I think I have hit the anger stage. I seem to be angry a lot, angry at the fact that I have no hair, angry that I feel so sluggish, angry that I have to wear a sleeve EVERY TIME I shower, angry that I have a tube sticking out of my arm, angry that I have no boobs, angry that I can't sleep at night, angry that I can't taste ANYTHING I eat, angry that I can't workout, angry that.... Just angry! I had a dream the other day that I just said enough, I'm done with Chemo! I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to sit and have poison pumped into me, poison so strong you can only have it done 4 times in your lifetime and I am getting all 4 treatments done in 8 weeks. I am only 2 treatments in and still have 14 to go, this is not good! I was so mad the whole drive home from Utah. We had to leave 2 days early because I was feeling so bad! I couldn't even focus enough to do an update. I HATE THIS AND I AM ANGRY ABOUT IT!!!!!
We were having a good time and I just thought that I was tired but it was much more than that. I couldn't even walk across the room without feeling like I was going to pass out. The altitude was really effecting me and I never even thought that would be an issue. I went to get my dressing changed and the doctor there confirmed what I thought it was, the altitude and it was not good. My oxygen level was low but not alarming and my blood pressure was a little low but I always have low blood pressure. I had to get out of there. We were able to do most of all we had planned, horseback riding, apple picking, shopping, visiting the U, spending time with family and just hanging out. The leaves were all changing and it was beautiful! What we were not able to do is the one thing we were there for, the football game. WOW what a game!!! I love it when Utah does what no one thinks they can.
Now that I am home I am feeling better everyday I am can breathe easier and am not getting dizzy but am still tired. I have been a little more worried about my hair, or lack of hair now that I am back to reality. I did go to all the kids games today and wore my beanie. Next week could be tough because it is suppose to be 85 degrees plus and I don't think I could go without a bean. I am getting better at not wearing a bean in the house but it is still very sensitive. My hair is still really patchy but seems to still be coming out and I'm sure will be totally bald soon. I now it is going to be this way for the next 5 months or so but I don't think I will ever get used to it. I know for sure I will never like it.
I hope you all are well and as always love to you all!
❤️
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